Normality pt. 2

This is a wonderfully amazing continuation of the week I’m having.

Not only did my schedule stay as Monday through Friday and I had a good Monday, my days have been getting better since.

I’m able to help do small little projects as needed around my job. I’m able to maintain fairly normal anxiety levels, for the most part. I’m not having bouts of feeling overwhelmed 95% of the day.

All in all, things are getting better.

Not sure how or why (can’t say I expect it to last too much longer) but its nice to come into a work environment and not feel stressed and have it be relaxed. Its not very often that happens.

Hopefully I can get back on track to doing some more research on a wider variety of topics on autism. I kinda miss doing that.

Although its been hard to stay focused when your brain is in a mental fog. 

Let’s hope the relaxed work environment stays for a while!

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Normality

This will come as a shock to most of you, but for the first time in Lord knows how long, my schedule went back to Monday through Friday and I am actually only doing one job!

Yes, you heard me.

One job.

Not two.

Not four.

One.

I may not have had the greatest weekend in certain aspects but to finally have a sense of what normal is supposed to be is amazing.

I hope it stays like this. I’ve actually been in a whatever happens happens mood despite being kinda tired.

Ever since I started “attepmting” meditation, some mornings if I have my phone on I try to listen to at least the music before I officially get up and today I think it actually helped a bit. 

I just hope that this is the outlook on the rest of the week.

Sensory Processing Disorder

As of recently, I started noticing that I’m dealing with some sensory pain that I never used to have while I’ve been at work. It only happens when I’ve had a lack of sleep and only affects my teeth, of all things.

Let me elaborate.

On days I’m at work when I’m overtired, certain people who wash dishes will clang plates together really loud. If I happen to be in close proximity to this happening a sharp pain shoots through my teeth, almost like someone is drilling into them with no numbing around the areas at all.

I started looking into how this develops, and I came across a website called Braim Balance Achievement Centers talking about this and never realized some of the things I do fall into this catagory of semsory issues, most of them being hyposensitivies.

Those certain ones are

  • Constant need to touch people or textures even when its inappropriate
  • Clumsy and/or uncoordinated movememts
  • Extremely high tolerance or indifference to pain
  • May be very fidgety and unable to sit still, enjoys movement-based play

As far as people/textures, I absolutely LOVE the feel of silk. I always have. I don’t remember a time in my life where I haven’t loved the feel of it and always find times to try and touch it when I can. But I know enough to know not to do so whenever.

Clumsy and uncoordinated movements, let me explain. This kind of ties in with being fidgety. When it comes to everyday things, I’m about as clumsy as clumsy can be. I go in spurts of getting hurt and a couple managers don’t trust me with a knife because I get hurt with them. 

But when it comes to sports, I’m completely fine and all that energy I have sitting still comes into play with this. Kind of a weird combination. 

And my clumsiness ties into my high pain tolerance. And its a darn good thing I have that because lately, I’ve been getting hurt a lot!

More often than not, I can tolerate most things when I get hurt. I think the last time I cried from pain was 4 years ago when I fell down the stairs and landed with all my weight on the most tender part of the back of the thigh.

Other than that, I usually just move one like “oh ok, I got hurt again.”

As far as being fidgety goes, I’ve hated sitting in school. I can’t sit down for more than a half hour without moving around. I like getting up and moving to release energy because I have too much.

But when it comes to my pain sensory, I can’t figure out how that developed. Even with the sites I went to I couldn’t figure it out. 

Maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough or went to the wrong sites. I’m not sure but all I know is that I developed this. 

I am going to find it one day!

Thanks

To those who have read my never ending, and seemingly ridiculous and long posts about anxiety that seemed to have no end, thank you for putting up with it.

I know it most likely may have been frustrating and seemed like I was crying for attention, in some cases I may have been, and others it was more posts of frustration of a never-ending cycle of intrusive thoughts.

After being overworked for so long, it wears on you. Some people handle it better than others but when it builds up over time ans you factor in autism and anxiety with it, it can cause one of three things:

  • You have an outburst
  • You have a meltdown
  • You just lose your mind

At least for me that’s been the case.

And lately, its been a build up of all three with most of the emphasis on losing my mind. Or what felt like was happening.

I feel like a lot of you were slowly watching it happen over time or may not have realized it was happening.

To those who watched it over time, and may have gotten sick of it, I apologize if it looked like a cry for attention and may have bothered you seeing post after post.

An update on everything now.

So today was day 5 of meditation. Today was my most “stressful” day of the work week and yet it wasn’t much different than most days.

It was a typical 2 jobs in 1 day and I would have gotten out on time. But we have a new person in the kitchen who isn’t getting the hang of things like I thought.

She was slowing down the person she worked with a lot by asking the same question 5 times no matter how many times the person explained it before.

I felt bad for the person so I decided to help out a little, which she started taking advantage of and asked me to do the part that was hardest for her because she couldn’t do it very well.

That struck me as a little weird because in my mind, I would want to work on it to get better.

Well, that got to me because she felt it was ok to pull off something like that on someone who was just trying to help move things along.

And at that point, my stress levels started to kick in. Luckily, I decided to meditate after work and everything ended up just fine.

Thank you to the friend who had mentioned meditation as a way of helping with anxiety and stress. I would have nevrr thought something so simple, would help such a great deal so fast.

I don’t know of I could go without it anymore. Its the best thing on the planet. I highly recommend it to anyone.

Meditation

In my last post, I had mentioned I was going to try meditation to help my anxiety.

I just finished day 3 of trying and I can tell you that I have noticed a HUGE difference.

Today was a stressful day of work, and yet not once was I on the verge of an anxiety attack. I started off the day not happy because I had a 2 jobs in one day thing again and we were very shorthanded with lots of chaos, but as the day went on, I slowly got less and less miserable and more ans more whatever happens happens.

I only had trace amounts of anxiety on and off compared to an all day stint where it completely ruined my day before it began.

Although its still present and I have to take things day by day still, a difference has started to make a change in my mindset.
After meditating today, it makes me question why I never tried it before.

I highly suggest to anyone to try it. You never know, it could actually benefit you in more ways than you think!

Its still too soon to tell if it will fully work, but I’m going to stick with it unless something comes up.

But for now, meditation here I come!!

Mental instability from anxiety

So lately, I’ve been realizing my anxiety levels are higher than normal due to my high stress levels at my job.

I’m slowly on the verge of a major auitstic burnout to the extent that I’m trying desperately to look for a new job before I decided to put my 2 weeks in and quit without one lined up.

I am at my breaking point and am ready to make the change. I need the change for my health.

I’m going to try and see if I can do meditaion every day and see if that helps.

A friend had recommended essential oils to help me sleep and I looked into that and might actually buy some off Amazon.

I know I have the ability to walk away and relax if necessary at work before a major meltdown happens so at least that is available.

Certain songs have helped too. But it depends on the artist. Shinedown has helped tremendously.

But until I get a new job, I need to dp whatever I can to keep myself at bay before a drastic turn for the worse happens.

If anyone has any other suggestions, feel free to leave them. My job has started giving me anxiety attacks and I’m not usually one to have them. I just want to get get back to the old me and take a step by step attempt at doing so.

The media and yesterday’s tragic eventsĀ 

I first want to start out by giving my thoughts and prayers to everyone affected by yesterday’s senseless act and to the family and friends of Tom Petty. Such a horrible way to start off the week.

Now to get to the point.

Yes, I understand the Vegas shooting is a huge deal, biggest mass shooting to date in the United States.

Yes, I understand that violence of any sort is bad and needs to be addressed.

What I don’t understand is why the media has to brainwash people into thinking gun control will solve everything.

Guns are the problem.

Its the people obtaining them that are the problem.

Guns don’t kill people.

People kill people.

But yet the media won’t get that message if gun control is implemented.

If it does, the black market is where guns will be purchased, causing more people who are mentally unstable to get ahold of guns to cause attacks likr Vegas.

Yet, not many people realize that.

Very sad.

To add to my rant of media, yesterday TMZ (the WORST news source out there) decided to say after singer Tom Petty was admitted to the hospital after cardiac arrest, had passed away after being taken off life support.

At first, I never believed it because of 2 things.

  1. The source
  2. Others news sites and TV were saying it wasn’t confirmed that he passed

Then everyone started believing it on Facebook, Twitter, and I started thinking no this isn’t real. Someone I grew up listening to, who was my first concert is gone.

Well, among all that chaos, I was hearing, through Twitter, there was an active shooter situation at the University of Southern California.

That turned out to be false, thank god. 

A couple hours after the Tom Petty report, people were finally saying he wasn’t gone but taken ofd of life support.

At that point, my brain was struggling to understand what was happening.

Was he or wasn’t he dead?

If he wasn’t, why was the media lying and getting involved?

Was it not bad enough we were all confused by the shooting?

Well, I woke up this morning to the confirmation from Tom Petty’s management he had passes away.

At first I didn’t want to believe it after the mass confusion yesterday, but my parents had said his management confirmed it.

I literally wasted a day of my life in confusion and lies, thanks to the media. They are the biggest crocks on the planet.

Its a day I can’t take back. A day that will be with me forever.

And yet a day that makes me really question, why can’t the media just stay out of stuff and let things happen they way they need to?

Why can’t they understand they are the cause of mass brainwashing and mass confusion?

Or will they keep going until everyone believes them?

Whatever it is, it needs to stop.

And I wish it would.

The world has enough cruelty in it and the media shouldn’t fuel the fire.

Please everyone have a very good day and stay safe!

Two Work Firsts in a Long Time

Yesterday was the first day in two and a half years I worked on a Saturday. Leading up to that day, I wasn’t happy with it. I knew I had to do it 2 weeks prior but it was still a change I didn’t like.

I’m used to working Monday through Friday and having weekends off to do stuff. My weekends are my time for whatever I or my family want to do.

The good news about working Saturday was it was the least stressful day I’ve had in a very long time.

I didn’t have to deal with our weekday night cook complaining left and right.

Evrryone showed up and things went smoothly.

I was able to watch my favorite college football team, Michigan State, beat a college football team who’s usually really good, Iowa is the name of that school, while at work.

And I even got out of work early and made it home in time to watch a new episode of my favorite tv show Ghost Adventures.

Made for a perfect end to, not only the work week, but a very long ongoing process of stress and anxiety build up I’ve been dealing with lately.

Who knew a change like that actually worked out in my favor?

Plus its actually nice to finally post something not complaining left and right about what my job does to me. Hopefully its a nice change for you to read too.

And an even better way to continue the great mood, is to have another hockey practice. I always know those will go well so I have no concerns there.

Being there is awesome and its nice to see people again that I haven’t seen for a few months. And to be able to all come together from different walks of life to be able to call ourselves family.

Its a nice relaxing thing to have. Especially going into it with no stress and anxiety for once.

Hopefully everyone else had a good week and will have a great week coming up!

Slowly Figuring it Out

The last few weeks have been a spiral of anxiety.

Just when you think your getting better, something sets it off again, making it worse than it was before it was set off.

And it wasn’t until today that I realized how important hockey really is in my life.

I’ve been watching hockey my whole life, started playing 2 years ago. I knew once I started playing, it was going to take a bigger role in my life than I thought.

Today, my favorite team, the Detroit Red Wings are playing their first preseason game in their new arena. With it being televised, I started watching it.

It wasn’t until I started watching that my anxiety went away completely and I was genuinely happy. It melted away in a matter of seconds.

During the intermission after the first period, similar to what halftime would be for soccer, I started realizing, hockey is my cure for anxiety.

The last several months since my season ended last year, my anxiety has been getting worse. From dealing with a bad friend, to dealing with craziness of different jobs at work, to dealing with unfortunate circumstances at work and wverything in between, its messed up every state of mental peace that I haven’t been able to achieve without trying to stay busy.

Watching 20 minutes of hockey changed all of that.

Forgetting every bad thing I’ve dealt with. Remembering what its to not be plagued with anxiety. Knowing how much joy I get from it.

Everything came back.

It makes me look forward to my first practice tomorrow of my 3rd season playing.

Its so weird to realize how important something like this can be for me. I never truly realized its true value until today and I’m glad I’ve grown up with this sport.

Its an amazing feeling to know that there is something out there aside from meds that can help relieve things for me.

To all that have been reading my posts about anxiety lately, I’m sorry if it was too much or it felt like I was constantly seeming like I was down.

Its hard to kind of pull yourself out of a situation where your anxiety spirals downward with what seems like no escape.

Its like being caught in a tornado of unintentional negative emotions from one bad thing after another adding up over time.

Hopefully over the next few days my anxiety will lessen and my posts will get back to seeing more positivity or researched posts about autism.

Thank you for reading lately and sticking through my slightly hard time.