Weekend First

This is definitely a very uncharacteristic post for me to make nowadays but worth talking about. Worth seeing the side that I don’t talk about much anymore.

I had a busy weekend. Busier than normal for me. Yesterday I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends. Not too badly overstimulating. But afterwards we went to a hockey game. Our team won, but we sat in a section where the horns go off after every goal and my hearing doesn’t take that very well.

Today, my boyfriend and I did our normal routine of going to church in the morning. The only downfall was the music was too loud.

Yesterday, my boyfriend had talked about getting his beard trimmed so we went and did that, as well as got him a haircut, right after church.

After that we got some subway and went back to my parents so I could get ready for hockey.

Now here’s the part that is unusual for me.

I’m a HUGE hockey person. Especially when it comes to playing.

When I first started my practice today, I was doing alright. No problems. The longer practice went on, the worse my autism got. We were just over halfway through, and it felt like I was in a fishbowl. I couldn’t snap out of it.

My boyfriend had me come off the ice and I ended up having a meltdown. One bad enough for me to want to leave early from practice and that isn’t like me.

I’m fortunate I play for a team for those with disabilities though. Its nice to be around those who at least have an understanding and don’t make you feel less.

It definitely is different to say I wasn’t me during practice. I haven’t been like that in a while. Let alone had a meltdown during practice. But I am relearning how far to push my limits, since it has been a while that I’ve been this bad.

Every meltdown is always a learning experience. At least for me it is. Something until recently I never realized.


Crazy 2018 brings an eventful 2019

To say 2018 was a whirlwind is an understatement. It went from questioning if I was able to pick myself up from depression and anxiety, starting a relationship, and starting to attend church again to ending it with anxiety/depression meds, getting more involved with my church, getting baptized, and becoming more open to having discussions I never used to have.

2018 was a bad start ending on a great note and so far 2019 is doing the same for me as well. I recently was able to purchase a brand new 2019 car. I have been really happy with things in life. On Tuesday, I will be celebrating a one year anniversary with my boyfriend. And I played an amazing hockey game today. I almost scored a hat trick, which is 3 goals in a game for those who don’t know hockey.

I honestly can’t believe all that’s happened already and it hasn’t even been a full month into the new year! I hope everyone else is having a great new year and that 2019 brings amazing things for everyone!

On a different subject, I’m trying to get information together about how essential oils can help those with autism. An inspiration I got from my last post about my sister getting me lotion and body wash with essential oils in it.

Hopefully I can get all that together soon and post about it in a few days when it gets organized. I can’t wait to get it up for all of you!

I hope everyone has an amazing week!!

Christmas Activities

Can’t believe Christmas had come and gone once again. So crazy to realize all the build-up to this time of year is gone and a few short days are left until a new year begins.

This has definitely been one crazy year and has gone by quite fast.

But to get to the point of this post’s title.

My activities for Christmas started with a Christmas service at the church my boyfriend, and a couple friends of ours attend. We went to ours early Sunday morning and afterwards, my boyfriend and I counted the offering for that service and the one after ours.

I was definitely very pleased with that service, at least the message behind it anyway. I was having some bad auditory(hearing) sensory and the band was extra loud that day. I was on the verge of a meltdown near the end of service.

Well that all came and went and then Christmas Eve came. Unfortunately, I had to work. Its kinda what happens when you work in a retirement home.

Luckily it was an easy day and I was able to get out at a decent time so my family could celebrate Christmas.

Normally, our family does this on Christmas day but my mom wanted to spend time with her family on that day.

So during our little celebration, I was opening gifts and a couple stuck out to me.

My parents got me a couple Harry Potter things. Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit and what’s called a Golden Snitch. It’s a golden ball they use in a game called Quidditch that flies around.

I would spend time explaining Quidditch to those who don’t know it but it’s long and complicated so go Google it.

The other thing that stood out was my sister got me a body wash and lotion that is specifically geared towards sleeping and has essential oils in it. Both are lavender and vanilla.

And the best part is it worked wonders on the first night I used it. I was asleep in 5 minutes compared to the 20 it usually takes.

Which leads me into Christmas day and how I handled it after using that.

Early this morning, my family got up to come to my grandparents house to celebrate with them. We got here just in time to make the meal and have time to be with them.

On days where we have to travel, I usually am all flustered and have some sort of slight issues but I was just fine. Not once had an issue with my autism or anxiety at all.

It could be my mind playing tricks on me but I feel like that lavender and vanilla stuff my sister got helped.

And despite all this craziness that happened, one almost meltdown during it has been great!

I hope everyone had a great holiday season and a wonderful new year!

Yesterday’s Events

Last night I wanted to write this but unfortunately I had a meltdown a couple hours before I wanted to actually compose this. Since that had happened, my brain was in a fog and unable to fully go with what I really wanted to say.

But, since I briefly mentioned what I wanted to talk about I will go ahead and get started.

Like I mentioned, I had a meltdown yesterday. What lead up to that was that I had a long and really overstimulating day. More overstimulating than long.

Yesterday around lunchtime, my boyfriend and I met up with a friend of my boyfriend’s and his friend’s sister. We went to go see Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald at one of the malls around the city I live in.

The movie was AMAZING!! But then again I’m also a huge Harry Potter fan so I knew I was going to like it anyway.

Luckily for me I only had one issue in the whole movie with sensory.

Unfortunately after the movie was over, the mall we were at got busier than it was when we had originally arrived so I was overstimulated from that big time.

My boyfriend’s friend and his friend’s sister went to walk around so his friend’s sister could buy Christmas gifts and my boyfriend and I decided just to hang out at the mall for a while and walk around.

I was doing ok for the most part but it was definitely hard to handle. We didn’t stay too long there and eventually left to go hang out at a quieter spot.

Well, I had eventually processed everything that had happened, between the movie and the mall, that I eventually had a meltdown.

Luckily it was only crying and not violent.

My boyfriend handled it perfectly. He stayed calm, reassured me that everything would be ok, got me in his truck to take me home, and prayed with me that everything would be ok.

I was able to calm down after I want to say about 5 minutes, which is really, really good.

Once I got home I was able to relax the rest of the night. I got to watch some hockey, and my t.v. show, Ghost Adventures the rest of the night.

The thing that amazes me is that I haven’t had many meltdowns since I started my anxiety meds back in August. I think I’ve only had about 3 total, which is really unusual for me. But I’ll take it!

Amazing End of the Week


Oh today was amazing.

Early, but amazing none the less.

I played a hockey game this morning at 10. It was not only successful but also an amazing memory filled morning.

As my first season being captain, I can say my team played amazing! We worked really well together. We all took turns passing, trying to score, and giving each other encouragement. The other team was just as supportive to us as we were to each other.

I know reading that sounds really weird.

Normally, sporting events don’t go like that. Its normally more aggressive. And I bet your wondering why it wasn’t.

Let me explain.

I play hockey in my community with a team that is specific to those of all ages with some sort of special need. That’s why the other team was supportive.

But back to the story.

Aside from some slight on and off sensory issues on my end, I was super stoked to play today and see all the smiles on everyone on both sides. It was an amazing, fun-filled morning of memories that won’t be forgotten any time soon.

One of my teammates even scored their very first hat trick (3 goals in one game) and never even knew how to play hockey when he joined last year! That is an amazing accomplishment!!

All of my teammates and I had had such an amazing time and we all worked super hard.

So hard in fact we managed to actually win!

All because we worked like a team and made miracles happen.

Words cannot describe how today went. The fact that I can walk away and smile from everything that happened is fantastic.

And the fact that everyone remained positive and stayed through the game without giving up made it even better.

I’m super proud to say how far our team has come in such a short time and super happy everyone worked super hard today.

I will forever be grateful for my community for providing not only the opportunity for those with special needs to play sports, but also creating amazing memories like today.

Nothing can be said to show how blessed I am for today and everyone involved!

Stressed and blessed

This week.

Where can I even begin?

So much happened in a short time that my brain is now processing everything that happened.

Monday. Oh Monday.

The start of the crazy.

Our night cook during the week came back from a 2.5 week vacation. And as nice as it was to have him back, I missed the quiet from him being gone.

Tuesday. Tuesday was special.

We had our annual holiday dinner for the residents of the retirement home I work at. Most if the people who were there knew how to run the dinner. Luckily it went smoothly.

What went not so smooth was the second seating halfway across the building at 6:45pm.

Oh good lord was that crazy. Hauling carloads of dirty dishes back and forth to our main kicthen was tiring. I think I walked a total of 2 miles in like 2 hours.

It didn’t help that our kitchen is on the second floor of the building and this 2nd dinner was on the first floor. Moving stuff up and down ramps on carpets made my legs start turning to rubber.

After all that craziness, Wednesday came along and we had a part 3 of our holiday dinner for another part of our retirement home. Luckily it went smoother than Tuesday. And with less stress.

Thursday and Friday were even less stressful which was a nice change to the end of the week.

But to have not only added stress of a big holiday dinner and trying to remain calm, but also having my routine change outside of my normal routine, I’m lucky I didn’t have a meltdown.

I honestly don’t know how I managed it. But I did and that’s what matters the most.

I hope everyone had a great week!

Stress-filled week

Before I start this post, Happy Thanksgiving to all my American followers. To those who had today off, I hope you had an amazing time with family. To those who work, thank you for all of the things you do for others despite how hard it is to not be able to spend time with family. I know how that feels working in the healthcare field.

Now to get started.

Over the course of the last week, we had a dishwasher immaturely quit on us with no warning. Unfortunately, I was stuck covering most of this person’s shifts.

It’s not my ideal thing to do and I wasn’t happy about it but I got in and did it.

The worst part of all the stress was that I had an almost violent meltdown Monday from having to not only cover this person’s shift, yet again, but I spent most last week covering others jobs on top of my own.

The stress got to me so bad that I had to fight getting violent at work.

It’s been almost 7 years since I was this bad or worse that it was hard for me to break out of it. I can’t stand getting that bad.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want this post to sound like I’m complaining that I only do other people’s jobs. I’m glad my job relies on me to be able to step up.

The point I wanted to make with this post was that the stress got me to finally almost explode with a massive meltdown.

One that’s was bad enough that I felt needed to be talked about.

One that made me want to call in on Tuesday because I couldn’t fully shake it.

I guess the one thing I want to get out of this is ways for those with autism to learn coping mechanisms to handle stress while at work to avoid having a major meltdown like this.

If anyone knows any ways I’d love to hear it!

Biggest Life Change to Date

This past Sunday, I went to church like I normally do with my boyfriend, and a few of my friends.

The message did stick with me but what stuck with me more was something my church does about every 3 months.

One Sunday every 3 months they do baptism and anyone who is looking to reclaim a life of God does this. It’s very moving to see all these people who take this next step in their lives.

Now you probably question what does this have to with her?

Well, near the end of service when everyone was getting baptized, the Holy Spirit spoke to me over the course of 5 or so minutes and said He wanted me to get baptized.

The only downfall was being on the spectrum, I’m not a fan of being in front of loads of people. Plus, the anxiety of going through with it was there as well.

Luckily, the Lord placed amazing pastors at the church I attend. A couple of them also have someone on the spectrum in their lives and the one who performed my baptism was amazingly patient and walked me through it in the best way possible.

To give you a visual of how they perform baptism, they have a metal tub at the front of the church that usually would be used as like feeding animals on a farm or taking a bath in the old days. They fill it with warm water and have a stool in it to sit on.

The pastor guides you in to the seat and asks if you have made Jesus a part of your life. Then after, you plug your nose and the pastor leans you backwards until you are fully submerged and then brings you back up.

This is what normal procedure would be in front of the congregation.

For me it was a bit different because it was not only after most people left, but the pastor also helped guide me through the process and had said a prayer before I was baptized.

I was extremely glad I made the move to have this happen but I was amazed at how my demons went away and how much my life has changed this week since making this move.

I’m becoming more positive.

I’m praying more.

I’m actually reading the Bible.

And I’m very grateful for the ways that He has worked His power on me.

I just hope that with this new change that I can continue to live the way He calls for.

Chaos handled well

Tonight, well more today, was one of those days. We had a big luncheon that we catered for a veterans day lunch, on top of our regular lunch.

That wasn’t too bad, except that the places that also got out regular lunch were calling our main kitchen like crazy and I was lucky if I was able to get my actual job done with how much running around I did.

After lunch things calmed down a bit and I was able to get a little bit of my job done.

Then dinner.

Oh how I loved dinner.

3 waitstaff showed up in main dining, plus a trainee who’s first day was tonight.

I was kind enough to help pour coffee and water for residents, pass out bread, clear tables, and sort silverware, as well as my normal job.

Something that hasn’t happened in months.

And I handled it quite well. Which isn’t normally the case with me.

The difference?

Anxiety/depression meds.

Most cases in the past, I would have had an anxiety attack having to break my routine and talk to people I didn’t know.

This time, I fought being overwhelmed by breaking routine and managed to help in a time that was needed and much appreciated.

And not once did I complain. I dealt with it and did as much as I could while still doing my job as well.

And I don’t regret doing what I did.

I was only supposed to do just water and coffee but went above and beyond because I knew they needed it.

And I’m glad I did

The negative side of autism

Lately, well maybe not lately but more a long time, I’ve been struggling with negative thoughts about myself. I always wondered if this was due to the mass amounts of bullying or some other factor.

In thinking of this lately, I feel like that its another factor.

That factor being the pressure that’s being put on me by society to hide who I am as a person on the spectrum.

Now I admit I have resorted to hiding my autism but over the last couple years it’s been catching up with me.

My anxiety and depression worsened from hiding the person I am meant to be. My perception of who I see myself as isn’t what others see of me. I constantly feel like I’m broken and need to be fixed or am too broken beyond repair.

It’s hard. Not many people realize how hard it is. I always have portrayed someone with not a single struggle that now all I know is to let out all my autism and not even bother keeping it in.

An ugly but necessary truth. One that needs to be seen despite how people see it.

After all, we as those on the spectrum have the right to be who we are without punishment from others.

I feel that saying this will help me understand that different isn’t a reason to be ashamed of who you are. Helping me have a way of therapy if you will.

I’m also hoping this can be the start of people seeing the other side of what I deal with that not many know