Eventual researched post soon

I know it’s been a while since my last post but I just thought I’d give a quick update.

It’s been hard lately to want to write, not that I don’t want too, but that I am trying to come up with a post that fits a lot of people with autism.

A post about mental health, as I just am now coming out of a mental health fog.

It’s one that’s not only going to be beneficial for people with autism, but those who work with or love someone with autism.

As well with talking about mental, I am planning on adding in a section of how to help with emotional regulation, as that seems fitting for mental health issues.

I know it seems ridiculous to want to constantly talk mental health, but in all honesty, a lot of people deal with it, especially right now with everything so unsettling that I feel it’s an important reminder for everyone.

I hope everyone is still trying to stay safe where they are. To the European readers I have, I hope your mentality it’s ok as I know a lot of you are on strict lockdowns right now. Try to keep your head up as best as you can and try to video chat or call friends to try and stay as sane as possible.

Good luck to all of you!

The blessings of writing

The one thing I absolutely love about blogging is the fact that I feel in some way it can help someone out in ways that neither myself or the reader is expected. Yes, I did fall off the rails with a couple posts last year being a bit redundant about the pandemic, but let’s be honest: how many of us have really gone through one before?

I mean isn’t it new territory navigating it for everyone?
That being said, yes I talked a little too much about something that can’t exactly change right now but have a positive outlook that things are starting to look up.

All that aside, this post wasn’t meant to be about that. I wanted to actually get a chance to say how awesome it feels to have someone reblog my posts. It gives me a sense of accomplishment that someone liked what they read enough to share it with others.

And in just 4 short years I’ve covered such a variety of topics from research to feelings and everything in between where I’ve managed to obtain 47 followers and reach many different countries, United States predominantly.

This year, I am actually going to get back to researching different topics that I’ve been learning about in different autism groups I’m in online and hoping that will be beneficial for others here as well. I want to be able to reach even more people, even if it takes a few years.

To followers new and old, thank you for your support and continuing to read, even when my posts get a little boring or repeatitive.

New year, semi-new ways

Well, as we are 7 days into a new year, I can already say I’m done with this year. In so many ways I’m done. But, I can’t control what decides to happen this year. I can only control myself.

And unfortunately, it’s been an ongoing struggle to be able to control things in that regard. A lot of personal struggles that I’ve been dealing with and I’m at a crossroads.

In some ways, I’m trying to pick up better habits for myself in dealing with my depression. For example, over the holidays, I had received some gifts meant to help with some form of release in a way of being able to help maintain a level of calm in my brain.

What I mean is I received a meditation book with putty to help me focus on something other than my thoughts, a journal for happiness and one for bravery, a triple card deck of different cards for positivity, good deeds and reducing stress, and a christian gratitude journal.

Stuff to help promote good mental health practices.

Unfortunately, because it’s not part of my normal autism routine, I’m having a hard time adjusting to doing any of them. When I do any of them, good things do happens. But like any good mental health journey, practice helps keep things going well.

And when you don’t take those efforts, well things can be a rocky road of darkness. A road that can vary for every person.

And that’s where things can get hard for me on a mental health and autism side.

My mentality says, well screams, get help.

My autism says, I see I need help but it’s out of sight out of mind. But most cases in sight out of mind because my blinders are on in the sense of getting help.

Not that I don’t want to get it, it’s just hard for people with autism to make executive functioning decisions like that. Not that it’s impossible and that there are ones who are fully capable on their own without daily reminders.

It’s just an as a whole thing that we tend to struggle in certain aspects of maintaining some of healthy lifestyle.

But as I kind of hinted at, each person with autism is different and there are some who are fully capable of things like that. That’s why it’s a spectrum.

I do hope that it makes sense though. I’m trying to explain in a way that makes sense, but unfortunately I’m listening to music and trying to think of what I’m typing and I can’t seem to focus this time around haha.

Maybe one day I can do a bit of research behind people on the spectrum and their lack of care for themselves. Like why it’s harder for a vast majority to remember to do things that most understand needs to happen. Like doctors appointments, mental health help, and other topics as well. Just an idea.

But anyway, as I was saying, I’m trying to incorporate these things I had received to hopefully help myself become more positive or at least try not to be so hard on myself.

That’s is going to be my goal this year. Especially how last year drained so many people on a mental level that was so hard to handle all around. And I really do mean this in all aspects, please do seek out help if you are struggling. I know first hand it’s easier said than done but I know it can make a life change in many great ways.

Blackness in a world of changes

Ever have those moments where you can’t seem to come up things to write about? Like, you know you want to write something but can’t even come up with something that hasn’t been said 1,000 times over?

Well that’s been me the last couple months. A mental fog that I can’t seem to break. A writer’s block if you will.

It also doesn’t help me that I’ve been getting discouraged by the lack of views I’ve been getting lately. Like, I want to keep writing but I’m not able to write if people don’t seem to want to read. I know there are a handful that will on a regular but sometimes it feels pointless.

That could just be my mentality at this point getting me discouraged. I don’t think I could give this up yet. I want to still try and help others in some way.

On a positive note, I’m really starting to like some of the changes happening at my job. We started changing over to new management about 2 months ago and it’s so far been a great thing so far.

The new executive chef has been very helpful in the kitchen and it’s been crazy to see but in a good way. He’s super helpful and very good at teaching people ways to do things with cooking. Its awesome.

Our new dining services director complimented me yesterday on how he can tell that I’m a very strong, confident, hard working and focused individual. Something I wasn’t expecting to hear but grateful that someone sees me in a way I didn’t realize I was doing. An unexpected compliment that actually put a bright spot in my year that I didn’t realize I needed.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and new year and make the most of the rest of this year

The more you learn

Over the course of this year, I, like everyone else, have learned a lot about not only myself, but others as well. One thing that I have definitely learned, is how people tend to gossip and slander others behind their backs.

I know that as humans we have a tendency to do both. Something that is very easy to fall into but harder to pull out of, especially if some people thrive on it.

In the last two months, I have learned coworkers and people that I have known in my personal life have been guilty of this about me. Had this been made known to me a couple years ago, I would have taken it to heart.

Now? Who cares. That’s on them if they want to make someone look bad over who they think I am.

It makes me believe that I clearly left a mark of some kind if they are choosing to talk about me.

It’s this growth I’ve had where I have learned how you can only control your response to this kind of action. And by allowing myself to say that it’s not a reflection on me, but a reflection on them, I know it’s less fuel for me to let it consume me.

I’ve also allowed myself to learn not to talk about many people behind their backs. Yes I do falter and that’s going to happen. But the main component is that I’m trying to not be that person anymore.

It’s not easy but I know in the end is beneficial. Something that should be beneficial for everyone, as it could make this world better.

Hopefully you all have grown in some ways and learned things that have helped you along the way.

What a year

I don’t know about all of you, but I’m still trying to process how it’s already December. I’m still stuck mentally in like June or July. This has been quite a year that’s for sure. The longest, fastest year at that.

But in all honesty, I’m glad it’s gone by fast. It’s been like 5 years wrapped into one and I’m sure ready for this to be over.

Thinking back on everything that’s happened, I’m very impressed with how I haven’t had many major meltdowns since March, aside from maybe one 2 months ago.

I’ve been calm and not calm at the same time dealing with everything that happens. Yes, I do stumble emotionally, but who doesn’t? I mean after all we are human and are entitled to falter right?

To add to that, I’m also quite impressed with how I’ve been able to handle the changes that have happened at alarming rates all year. Well, aside from when it all started, seeing as it was new for everyone and stressful to handle getting used too.

Now it’s been, oh what changes are going to happen this time? Or, I may not like this change but it is what it is at this point. Or the ever infamous line, when will this all be over?!

At least those three are very common at my job, and I know that last one is definitely something everyone is feeling. So I know that I’m not alone there.

What I do feel is that some people don’t seem to understand is how something on this grand of a scale can be very overwhelming for those on the spectrum.

This whole year has been rough for everyone, with kids having to be virtual for school, to parents having to teach, work, and parent all in one, and so much more.

But those with mental health issues, as well as disabilities, have been greater risks this year for the changes affecting their mentality.

As far as mental health goes for me, I’ve had my ups and downs, but I’ve been one who’s life really hasn’t changed much outside of having to wear PPE and getting tested each week, currently twice right now as an uptick has been going on in my area.

I’ve definitely been fortunate to be in that circumstance, as I know others haven’t and that is very much a hard adjustment. And it’s valid to feel those ways as it’s been a year for everyone, even though each person’s story wi vary.

But the thing that shocks me most is that my autism has been less present this year than it has been in past years. Which to me seems weird, as something of this caliber would normally make it hard.

I haven’t been as sensory ridden from everything going on. I haven’t been overwhelmed by the changes taking place every week. Or every day depending on where you live. I’ve taken on each change as an oh this is being added now? What’s next?

Which that’s a huge change for me since the beginning, as when this all started I couldn’t deal with any of it.

But then again, I was also dealing with the attempt of healing from a break-up at the beginning of the year so emotions were already on high.

It seems so weird how much in such a short time has changed that until you sit and think about, you don’t realize it. Maybe this year was meant for this purpose. But no one really knows until they go forward on this path.

Been too long

So I know I haven’t updated in a while, but it’s a very good reason why.

Obviously, being in the midst of a pandemic, it’s hard to talk about certain things revolving around it because, well let’s face it, we all know it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

That can definitely put a damper on people’s mentality. I know it has in spurts for me.

Especially since the area I live in is going through a second wave right now so we are in the midst of a partial shutdown in my state.

Between that and a crazy changes happening at my job, it’s been hard to find that moment of knowing what to say and if I wanted to post anything.

But to give an update anyway.

Last month, my job reopened our dining rooms for our residents. It’s was nice to attempt it but unfortunately it happened at a time when cases in my area were rising so it was a potential for a shutdown at some point going forward.

The good news is we made it a month before having to shutdown.

The bad news is we had to shut down because we are in the midst of our very first outbreak. It’s on the low side for being a retirement home but it’s still not fun either way.

I’m just glad we had a plan in place for if and when this time came.

Thankfully it hasn’t affected much for my mentality going through this. I’m just hoping that all these residents make it through this.

But I do want to warm everyone though that this is something to not take lightly. Especially with the holidays coming up.

Hopefully all of you are staying safe and things get better for everyone!

Strangeness occurs

It seems weird lately to think about, but I seem to have hit a wall of wanting to talk to people but not knowing how to do so anymore.

I feel out of place in having some friends that I can talk to but then at the same time having friends I want to talk to but don’t know what to say.

It’s been a rough patch that I haven’t hit in a long time and it’s hard to know what to do.

How does one make an effort where it never used to be a problem or hasn’t been for a while?

What do I even begin to say without seeming like I’m trying to force a conversation with someone?

Am I overthinking the friendships and making an effort where it isn’t necessary? Or do people really care but forget to know I exist just as much as I tend to not keep in touch?

I know I have a lot going on in my head that I know makes it hard for me to remember to get ahold of people. But when I remember, it’s almost like I’m grasping at straws to even try to figure out what to even say before saying it.

I could be wrong in saying it’s only me in this circumstance but with the way this year has been, I truly feel millions out there are dealing with this same situation.

I know from past therapy sessions, I have been told to just try and make an effort, which I know isn’t the problem. I just wish I knew the words to form to make a conversation last more than like 5 minutes.

If anyone has gone through hitting this type of brick wall, please let me know what’s helped you get through it.

Anywho, I hope everyone in America had a good Halloween. I was at work so I neve fully got to enjoy it, but it was still a decent day and I can’t complain.

Hope everyone has a great rest of your week!

It’s been a month

A month like this hasn’t happened in a long time. One where things you wouldn’t have expected to hear have happened and it’s hard to process.

A month where it’s seems like it’s more downs then ups and as soon as your going up, something hits you hard.

At the beginning of the month, we had found out that a neighbor of ours we had gotten to know years ago, had passed unexpectedly in his sleep. It was such a shock to our family to hear that, but I’m very much glad they are no longer in pain and he is with his wife again.

Over the weekend, I had found our an uncle on my mom’s side had passed last week and that was even more of a shock. I wasn’t expecting that at all whatsoever.

And this is where my emotional delay from autism kicks in.

Because our family hadn’t been aware of the situation my uncle had dealt with, like I had said, it was a shock. For me, it’s even more so because I wasn’t there to process all of it.

Until today while I was working, I couldn’t process the fact that it happened. Early this afternoon was when it hit.

This is the part of death that can be hard for autistics to deal with. The aftermath of something that happens and the delay of how and when it affects them.

This afternoon could be just a mild form of it starting and it may not hit me until a couple weeks from now or even longer.

I haven’t looked up why this is, and if I remember correctly I might have done research on this after my grandma passed, and there hadn’t been much research at this point.

To me, it could be something as simple as death takes autistics longer to process if they aren’t there to witness the changes happen. A sudden death can be a lot harder to understand and comprehend.

I could be far off, but based off my experience it seems like a logical reason behind a delay in an emotional reaction.

As far as work goes, it’s been decent. Could definitely be better and has definitely been worse but at this point I just show up and do what I can.

Hope everyone else is doing good and having a good month

Learning from the humans with disabilities

So as I was watching a video from a church service, the pastor had talked about a young boy with downs syndrome from his home country who was able to unintentionally bring someone to the life of Christ.

It actually got me thinking, is it possible to learn something from people with disabilities, even if it’s not religion related, and have it come out as a positive?

I know for me, there are a handful of people I’ve worked with who have some sort of disability that make me realize how truly incredible they are and how much they can accomplish even if they are limited in certain areas.

And some of the ones I play hockey with, I can’t help but sit back and laugh because they see the world not only as a child but as one who has a different brain function than most. And seeing the world in their way is quite entertaining because all they know is just being content.

But as far as some others I’ve met, growing up as a disabled person can be challenging for them. Not because they can’t handle it, but their functionality is wired differently than others. And even then, watching how they react to things can be entertaining because they just know that having a good time is all they care about.

But for me, I sometimes don’t know where I fit in those categories. I sometimes feel like I fit in the I want to have fun and good times. Others I feel I fit in the content category. But sometimes I don’t feel like I’m meant to fit in a category and I just got wherever I’m meant to be.

But it makes me wonder what those who know me feel like I’m able to provide them as a person with a disability.

Am I doing more than what I feel? Or am I just enough the way I am?

I know there are people that have said that I do provide inspiration for them, and I am very fortunate to be able to do so. And at this point, I’m just here to do whatever it is I’m meant to be here for, even if it’s to show those with other types of disabilities that anything is possible.

As long as I am able to keep doing these posts, I can find ways to show people what can happen in his or her time frame. I can honestly say, over the 30 years I’ve been here, I wasn’t always this ways. I definitely went through a phase that wasn’t easy. For anyone. And I know I don’t want that side back.

But I do know things can and will get better for anyone despite our flaws.

“Food” for thought

So for the last couple weeks, I decided to do this thing that a little different. On Sunday mornings, I watch my normal church service, then Sunday and Monday nights, I watch a different church service. Well technically it’s two different services but from the same church that isn’t the one I attend.

I started doing this to get an idea of how to help myself spiritually in a way of trying to figure things out for myself on a different level.

Well, since I started doing this, each service has had something that I could relate too. All of them being about some sort of battle that can be overcome in some way.

I can’t remember details of each one specifically, but each sermon had to do with that type of talk. And tonight as I was watching one about battles, the question asked by the pastor was what one thing can you come up with to see what your battle is to overcome and how to take care of that.

Well to answer that, for me it’s definitely mental health. Not everyone deals with that, but I know a lot of people relate. I know I also deal with autism too, but it’s not that bad compared to things like anxiety that hit like a brick wall unexpectedly.

Some people who don’t experience mental health don’t truly understand how badly it can affect a person. I’ve heard so many people say to others struggling, “it’s all in your head,” “your just overthinking it,” “everyone has a little anxiety,” “there’s no reason to be sad, people have it worse thant you.”

Well, here’s one thing I know, it’s more than just a chemical imbalance in the brain. It’s a physical problem as well.

But that’s not the road I want to take. I want to take the road of, we are able to overcome every adversity we all deal with that happens in our heads. It can’t fully be ridden out of our lives, as that is basically impossible for those who deal with it. But there are ways to be able to help ourselves get through day by day moments dealing with our issues.

Some take medication. I, myself, at one point or another been on it. I know many people who have been as well. Sometimes doing so can help and once you’ve come off it’s a bearable time in life for a while. Others don’t feel like medication is the way to go and just skate through life on cruise control. Others find religion mixed in with medication, or just religion. Others do therapy with or without meds.

But there are so many ways to handle how we deal with anxiety, depression, and whatever else it is each person handles each day.

All I know is that through figuring out that mental health is my battle, I need to find a way to become a warrior against my brain and fight back. It will take time, and a lot of trial and error, but maybe it will come sooner that I think. Or maybe I’m already a warrior without realization.

A week of exhausting times

Now, as the title would make it seem, it would sound as if I’m out to complain for one reason or another. But today, it’s more of a topic of how as though things can seen exhausting, there can be hope. Or at least some form of it.

Last week had marked one year since my grandma had passed, and that didn’t make my week “great” but it wasn’t horrible. As much as I do wish she was still here, I’m honestly glad that she left us before the new year.

Outside of that, work has definitely been stressful but we are managing to get through it and make sure that our residents get fed. I can honestly say, that as hard as it can be being shorthanded day in and day out, we have a very good crew of people who help out when need be without being told. So I’m very glad to work with a group of good workers.

But in between all of that, I can honestly say that my anxiety has been high but manageable. And for the first time in months my autism has been a bit more noticeable than usual. Well, at least to me it was. My processing ability was quite off yesterday at work and certain things were a bit harder to understand.

And only a couple times were there moments of having auditory issues that truly bothered me and that hasn’t happened in quite some time.

This week will definitely be a bit better but I’m not holding my breath. I always try to make the best out of things but it’s also hard to do when things don’t seem to be anything more than just trials.

One day, even if it’s not soon, things will get better.

As seasons change

To say that the transition from summer to fall is easy isn’t exactly my idea of fun. Add a pandemic to that and it’s exhausting.

Normally, the transition is a semi-doable thing for me to handle. The steady decline of weather. The ability to see kids and teens getting back into school and the excitement of having football going on. The college kids going back into their lives on campus.

Normally, this would be an exciting time for a lot of people. Now, not so much. It almost seems like an effort to be able to deal with a day more than it used to be.

Working during it all? Well that’s a whole different level of exhausting. Most days anymore I’m lucky to be able to even be rested after work.

Although one day it will end, it will never ceases to amaze me how much chaos happens with pandemics. In some circumstances, it’s been nice to see people come together for each other.

Most other times it’s been a fiery pit waiting to consume it’s next victim. I don’t like making that analogy but with the way things are, that’s what it seems like.

One day, things will get better. One day, we will all have a chance to get back to our lives and everything will get better. One day.

Unintentionally anxious

This is going to sound crazy saying this, and I know it’s not something I normally would talk about, but my anxiety has been overactive the last few hours and I feel I need to get it off me and talk.

So today I was told I have been missed by someone I’ve known for a few years. Do I believe this person? Yes. But my response has me feeling like I’m not really meant to be missed.

I haven’t really had much time to miss people.

Yes, I said some variation of that. But I said it.

In my defense, and not to make it sound like an excuse, but my job has been overly stressful with covid going on than it usually is.

My department is short-staffed, if people miss one of the weekly testings, we are without said people for however long it takes them to get tested, if someone calls in sick, they have to go get tested and we are without them until they come back, and I’m not able to have a true day off because of all the above.

Plus, I am also doing what I can to help my parents with my grandpa and that can wear on you too.

But unfortunately, I never said any of this to said person and I’ve been having anxiety that maybe I’m just not meant to be back out and social anymore because of all the intense protocol I have for working in a retirement home.

Maybe I’m not ready to get out and do things because I’m too scared to do things.

Or maybe I don’t feel like I’m capable of being around people because I’m always on edge of having to get called in for some reason or another.

Or maybe it runs deeper but I can’t exactly explain because it’s complicated.

All possible things that I feel.

But it’s been hard to explain when I don’t feel people really want to listen outside of a therapist.

Call me crazy for this, but feelings are real. And anxiety makes things feel worse. Maybe things will get better soon. It’s all I can hope for even if it takes a while.

Thoughts on life

Last night I had watched the service my church had from that morning, since I was working when it was happening.

The stuff they had talked about got me thinking as I was getting ready to start winding down for the night after work.

It was a sermon that was done by guest speakers about what God’s calling for your life might be.

One of those speakers had an amazing story of becoming a general manager of not only one but two fitness centers in the area of the United States he lives in. And the story was great to sit back and hear how God worked in his life.

And although it’s a day after I had watched it, it got me thinking, what is God’s calling in my life?

The things I feel I’m meant for are different than the anxiety coming in telling me the opposite.

Let me elaborate.

I’ve always been one to try and bring people together through laughter. And although I may not make some people laugh at all or sometimes go a little to far with certain things, I am usually successful in making people laugh. I love being able to do that and I feel like that’s one way I’m meant to be here.

Another, especially lately, I feel like I’m meant to spread positivity in people’s lives in various ways. Especially at work where we are all stressed dealing with a pandemic. Having that little light of positivity in these days of uncertainty can help make a difference.

The last one is that I enjoy being able to help others. Even if I’m not 100% good at what I do, I make an effort to attempt to offer my help.

But, outside of those three things, I’m not sure if I’m truly meant for more.

And if I am, do I continue searching for something that may never come and miss the signs?

Or do I just go on in life doing the things I feel like I’m called to do?

Part of me will say, keep going with the second question. But at the same time, I’m also torn between being stuck in the middle of both questions.

And that’s where anxiety can kick in and say stay with the first question because you have control over what you all ready know.

And those who know anxiety knows, that’s a safer place to be.

But, this is where I know I need to break the chains and just accept life whatever comes my way and just go with what God has for me.

I truly hope this is a sign for me to just be more content with who I am.

Attempted calm in the chaos

To say things have been crazy since I came back from my “stay”cation is a little bit of an understatement. My first week back was a little too interesting.

A now former coworker had put their two weeks in during that time, a coworker had poison ivy and was out for the week, and I got to make ribs for the first time in my life.

It was definitely a wonderful welcome back to come too, not gonna lie. But we all got through it.

Last week was definitely a lot better to deal with. A more calm week and nothing as intense happened, work wise.

I did get to celebrate my grandpa’s 95 on Friday so that was a great time. He seemed to enjoy himself and being the center of attention which was nice to see him happy like that.

This week has been a bit crazy from new menu items that residents at the place I work wanted to see on the menu. Not that it was a bad time, just a lot of prep work involved to make it happen.

So work has been quite an interesting time, but it wouldn’t keep you on your toes if it wasn’t interesting in some way. Especially now with covid and all.

On a personal note, I am restarting therapy again. The therapist I had originally, hasn’t come back from maternity leave and I haven’t had a therapist for several months now. So I reached out to the place I go to and was able to get a new one and start up this week.

Which is great because I have been having such bad anxiety lately and it’s been kick-starting my depression so it’s nice to finally get back into it again.

I’m fortunate that the owner was very kind in being able to help me with rescheduling me with a new therapist. I greatly appreciate the fact this person was able to do so.

I hope everyone is still doing well and staying safe during this time of covid. Keep yourselves safe!

Latest update

It feels like it’s been forever since I last posted. Although I wanted to post more lately, life just is kinda busy in the month of July.

On that note, I turned 30 at the beginning of the month, which is what kick-started a fairly busy month. A few days after mine, my sister had her birthday. It’s a short time between hers and mine so it’s not much time to chill out from one to the next.

Also during this time, work was a lite crazy. A couple of the residents where I work had come down with covid, so we had to put a policy in place that protects dining staff from coming into contact with nursing staff. It was a bit of chaos to say the least when it started, but what new method isn’t?

After the halfway point of July, I started a two week vacation, well more stay-cation, to just get away from all the stress of working through a pandemic. Trust me when I say this, it’s far worse than working normally. Especially working in a retirement home. Not that it’s bad at all, it’s just the atmosphere changes so much it’s hard to take for long periods of time.

And during this time, my dad had his birthday too. So July is definitely a busy time for my family.

Oh! I also forgot to mention that just before I started my vacation I had gotten a pretty bad 2nd degree burn on my foot from hot water coming out of a hose. I wasn’t holding the hose right and the water pressure caused it to slip from my hand and it got my foot. Thankfully after two weeks it’s almost completely healed and looks like its been there for a month and a half. Its so crazy.

But unfortunately, I have to go back to work Monday and I’m really not sure if I’m ready too. It’s been a nice break. Too nice if I say so myself.

Hopefully things are pretty decent when I go back and not too much has changed since I started my vacation.

Small moments lead to great things

Have you ever had those moments after talking to someone that make you question yourself? Not in a bad way, but in a way that can make you re-evaluate how to make yourself better?

Tonight, as I was walking to my car after working, I had one of those moments.

A nurse, who I’ve had a few conversations here and there over the last 2-3 years, was that person for me.

He gave me a perspective on life that I would have never thought of a d makes me wonder, in what ways can I be a better Christian?

He had talked about how he is originally from Africa and how seeing racism there is a whole different ballpark than what Americans have. Which lead to him talking about how in the Bible, there are so many different ways to look towards God to make to most out of a situation.

That worry will get you nowhere but praising God and looking at the positives will better your mentality.

And until this conversation happened tonight, I never realized how true his words were.

He had also mentioned that there are many hypocritical Christiana who claim they practice but don’t truly practice and how that can affect one’s way of life.

There were so many parts of this conversation within a half hour that it makes you think, what can I do to live out the one commandment of love they neighbor as thyself?

Part of that could be refocusing on putting myself in a person’s shoes and seeing their perspective of life.

Another could be treating all of humanity equally and not looking at skin color.

The list could go on.

But hearing this guy talk to me today has given me hope that good people still are out there and that a bigger picture is to not be so self-centered but to be humble and make life the most out of nothing.

Tonight was definitely a teaching moment that I will be forever grateful for. I just hope I am able to let it stuck with me and really work on practicing actually being the Christian God called me to be.

A week of strangeness

I know I seem to talk about this pandemic a lot, but I know I’m not the only one who’s having struggles with it. It’s definitely one that’s happened so fast it’s hard to process but still somewhat slow enough to be able to say we can kind of make some slight sense of it.

The biggest dilemma of everything I’ve faced since my workplace went on lockdown has been the start of mandatory testings for covid weekly, until they decide the higher ups say we are no longer doing them. I, along with my coworkers, had our first test of many this week.

Thankfully, with the testing they have been doing, it’s not as invasive as it normally would be. I don’t know how it’s is in other countries, but in America we get testings done with a nose swab that would normally go through the nose to the sinus cavity to get a sample.

My job is only doing it to about the bridge of the nose but it’s still unpleasant. I’d rather they go all the way back than halfway at this point but I’m just doing what I’m told and getting it done.

I do have to admit though that getting the test done is less of a pain than having to wear a mask. But that’s also my autism side coming out. It’s a sensory thing for me to have to wear them. Although unpleasant, I can suck it up for the safety of whoever is involved.

Hopefully things start settling down soon and everyone is out there staying safe!

Next steps

Now that things have mostly calmed down after the last few weeks, or at least I like to think they have as I’ve stopped watching the news and don’t know what’s happening, I’ve been able to actually think clearer. Or at least been able to understand what’s going on in my head better.

To say the least, my mentality isn’t all that great, at least when I’m alone. I’m not “depressed” but I’m not a bursting ray of sunshine either. It’s like I’m permanently numb from most emotions anymore. Like I’m able to function around people and seem relatively ok but at the same time afraid to talk about what I deal with.

Thankfully my autism hasn’t been too bad and I’ve been able to manage that. Today was the first day I’ve had in a long time where my hearing was slightly more sensitive. But that was doable.

Most of what I’ve been handling lately has been mass amounts of anxiety. Today was the worst it’s been in a couple months.

It’s was like a giant knot in my stomach that would come and go most of the evening. Even as I type this, it’s present. But it was the worst at work with not explanation.

I’m more in edge than I ever used to be and I am at my wit’s end staying in my head all the time.

I want to reach out and talk but I don’t know if anyone would understand.

It’s been rough not being able to talk to my therapist, who I believe is still on maternity leave. Which don’t get me wrong, I understand completely that she’s able to have that and I don’t want to distract her. But it’s just a rough transition to go through currently.

Hopefully I’m able to keep finding ways to help myself overcome these unfortunate mental struggles and I can be able to regain myself again.

I just don’t like the uphill battle that comes with it.