Craziness gets to be too much

Over the course of the last couple months, things have definitely been a little too chaotic. Not just because of the pandemic and work, but my mentality has taken a huge hit.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to see my therapist lately because I believe she had her twins so it’s been rough to try and adjust to not having that.

Since I haven’t been able to see my therapist, I’ve had a lot of doubt with my mental health. My anxiety has been through the roof, as well as a couple other issues I deal with lately. My brain can’t seem to focus lately and it’s been affecting my sleep.

I can’t seem to handle things the way they are anymore and I’m very doubtful of who I am as a friend to others. I feel like I’m failing people as a friend and I don’t like it. I can’t seem to be able to snap out of it.

Now, I’m not saying this for pity or sympathy. I say this as a way for those to know that I am human and I do struggle. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but getting there is hard when doubt is always present.

I just hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

One day it will get better, right?

I guess the positivity is all I am able to handle right now without feeling guilty over it.

But to answer the question, it will. One day it will.

This has definitely been a trying year for everyone. But we can and will get through it.

Over it all

Man oh man. This pandemic is definitely starting to get to people at work.

A lot has definitely happened recently, but for the sake of everything that has happened, I should not say it.

Just know it definitely isn’t pretty and I definitely wouldn’t want to relive a pandemic again with what’s been happening.

But to explain certain things I know everyone else can understand, this is definitely a stressful time for all parties involved. Working or not this is a hard time.

I know not one person who would have ever predicted this to ever happen. Yet, here we are. Dealing cards no one expected to be dealt and all of us doing the best we can to handle everything that’s being thrown at us.

Unfortunately, my anxiety has still been a little on the high side, but my autism hasn’t really been as existent as I would have expected. Which is great because this is an unpredictable time and I think my brain has come to terms with the fact that it will be awhile for things to loosen up a bit.

With that being said, that’s where a small part of my autism does kick in because there is that unpredictability of when the time comes we do go back to normal. But outside of that, it’s practically non-existent.

Which for me that’s great. I’m probably in the small percentage of autistics who are still able to work with everything going on so my life hasn’t changed terribly.

I hope everyone is able to stay safe through all of this and that your health and well being is still going strong. Keep up your great work if you are still in good health.

If you all are struggling, whether mentally or physically, everything will get better and you will go back to being yourself soon. You all will be ok.

A little introduction

For those who are new here or those who have followed for a while but haven’t heard much on this topic, let me introduce myself.

My name is Emily and I living life on the autism spectrum.

How autism affects me is different than how it affects men. I deal with masking on a level most people would never know I have it.

For those who don’t know, masking is where I hide my symptoms to appear “normal” to the rest of society.

Autism for me is something that has been more tolerable the last few years for me than it used to be. I still struggle with a meltdown here and there. I still get overwhelmed. I still have things that allow me to be me in a safe environment.

What that all means is I’m wired in a way that things most people take for granted are things that cause me issues.

For example, the last few weeks I’ve had to wear a mask while at work. Unfortunately for me, I have sensory issues with things being on my face and head and wearing a mask makes it hard. I’m always wanting to pull it off or pick at it, which unfortunately is a health and safety issue.

Another example is certain noises tend to irritate my ears more than others. An example of this is ceramic dishes clanging together causes me to feel like someone is drilling into my teeth with no medication. Or when someone is trying to hit a spoon on the edge of a dish to hard it irritates my hearing too.

Some days I am tolerable of what goes on and others are a bit of a downfall.

Spontaneity is usually hard for me to handle and overwhelms me greatly to the extent of a meltdown. My brain just can’t handle plan changes very well.

Some days I have trouble with what’s called dsypraxia which is basically a fancy term for clumsiness/loss of motor control. Some days I have a hard time holding onto things. Other days I’m unable to make it past the corner of a counter.

But the biggest problem for me is unpredictability, as with anyone who has autism. Those on the spectrum prefer to have a routine that they can go by every day to help them get by and ease their anxiety.

With this covid situation, it’s been hard for me because so many things are left unknown in a time I wish I could plan.

How long will my job be in lockdown?

How long will I have to wear a mask?

When will my department go back to normalcy?

Questions not even my coworkers can answer because we are all left in the dark.

I hope this gives a lite insight to how my brain kinda works. If there are any questions please feel free to ask and I will answer the best I can!

Out of sorts

I wish I could fully explain how things have been the last couple days, but putting together words to describe a mental fog is hard.

Anxiety has been making me feel different lately and today has been the hardest of the week.

I wish I could fully say what the true cause of it has been, but it would be a session of releasing stuff I’m not sure I can talk about right now.

And that’s what makes all of this hard. Knowing I’m not able to talk about something that I feel needs to be known but knowing it would make things worse for me in doing so.

Knowing this, it causes some hard times with depression creeping in as well.

Today I felt out of sorts. Out of sorts in the sense that I didn’t feel right while working today. Out of sorts in the sense that I felt like I was disconnected from people but still semi-connected.

And sadly, that’s the best explanation I can give you and I just hope it’s sensible enough to understand.

I know things can happen and I know it’s going to get better, but in the process of dealing with it, it’s like a standstill while time also seems to move fast.

A weird feeling, but nonetheless real.

Hopefully you all are doing good with this coronavirus stuff going on and you all are staying safe. I know I’m ready for it to be done. Hopefully it comes sooner rather than later and life can get back to normal, which I’m ready for.

Keep staying safe everyone!

And so it continues pt 2

So last week, a worker in a different department at the place I work unfortunately tested positive for COVID-19. Hopefully it’s nothing terrible and they are able to recover quickly, but due to this we’ve had to adjust certain things we now do at my job.

Every person in every department now has to wear a mask. A certain part of our skilled nursing section has to be closed off for quarentine purposes in the precautionary event of potential coronavirus. (This being due to the fact that we are also a rehab facility and get quite a few people from hospitals.) And, as a precaution, we have to not only get our temps taken when we come in but halfway through our shift as well.

None of this is a complaint. I’m glad that we have the right mindset in place to protect a vulnerable population.

The only problem I have is I have sensory issues with stuff being on my face.

This is the worst time to have autism issues in all honesty. It’s bad enough working in a kitchen wearing one and being on the warm side of things. But to add autism issues with it drives me up the wall.

Hopefully, this goes by fairly quick and things can be done and over with soon. But like everything that happens in this situation, we have to play it by ear with the given news that can come out about it all.

Thankfully things seem to being going quicker than I would have thought, but then again, I’m also working so it’s making things go fast.

I hope you all are staying safe out there! Keep your head up. It will get better.

And so it continues…

So, with this whole COVID-19 quarentine going on, it’s been bringing the worst out in a lot of people I work with. Yes, I do admit most of what’s going on, as far as dining services goes, has been getting better and easier now.

But unfortunately, like with what everyone else is feeling at home, the uncertainty of how long this will last is what’s hard on everyone.

Now I have found out in the last couple years that I am not good at handling stress very well. This situation is no different.

The only major difference is that it’s an uncertain area for a lot of people outside myself and a lot of people have higher than normal stress and anxiety.

I get it.

It’s not fun.

But learning how to cope in an environment that’s is changing by the day, especially with autism, is hard. Most of the time, I can handle change with my job because, the unexpected tends to happen quite a bit but in a reasonable manor.

Now, we are dealing with unexpected in an extremely new territory of the unknown. And with that my brain is struggling to process all of it.

I just am hoping for a positive outcome soon so that we can all have some hope ahead of us. This is definitely not something I want to deal with again. But in the circumstances that something like this does come about again, at least we can be better equipped for the trial ahead.

To every one of you out there, please do your best to stay safe during this time. Keep your head up and we will all get through this together

Too much chaos

To say the coronavirus pandemic is a hugely hard adjustment is an understatement. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that for once having autism and social anxiety is allowing me to stay home when I can but because I do work in a retirement home, it’s almost impossible to be fully isolated.

Its definitely been crazy to sit and watch all that’s been happening and know hour by hour things could change fast. Thankfully, things have been getting straightened out at my job in most areas. But, and I heavily emphasize but, things can change fast where I work.

We had a partial lockdown on my workplace up until about Monday. Once that hit, we are now no longer allowing most visitors, whether family or outside vendors, we all have to have our temps taken before starting, and it’s guaranteed that this could go on through at least mid to late April.

This has definitely been one of the hardest, stressful weeks I’ve ever dealt with and I have done what I can to attempt to remain as calm as I can.

Most of the time it’s been easy but occasionally I’ve struggled with forgetfulness, people being at each other’s throats, and still trying to do what I can to help with my grandpa.

To be honest, I actually had an almost hour long meltdown this week because of the stress and those usually don’t last more than 10 minutes.

I’m hoping things get better and things are able to go back to normal but it kinda scares me how long this could last. And I don’t know how I feel about it.

Calm in the storm

This week has been a crazy one. My job had our annual state survey. Normally, I’d be freaking out seeing as I walked in while it was getting going on Tuesday.

But I somehow managed to stay calm and kept to myself knowing what I needed to do and not do to make things happen.

Thankfully, our night cook, who has some good experience with state, was helping me out a bit and I greatly appreciated his efforts.

The good news was that everything went fairly well considering. The only downfall is now that state is gone, the residents in our skilled nursing part of the retirement community aren’t feeling too well and are on quarentine until further notice.

But that also happens every year so we at least know what we need to do there as well.

On a positive note, so far things have been going fairly well with therapy. I’ve been making good progress and I really like the person I have.

And on an even better note, my mom actually allowed me to make an independent move and get her something at the store for our dog! I haven’t done that in years and it was great.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!


So as I’ve taken a month and a half to try and get myself back, so far has been decent. Obviously it takes time to work through things and others that come up in the process but it’s life and things happen.

As I have taken this time, I’ve noticed a huge influx in the amount of views I’ve had. I just wanted to say to those who do follow, thank you for keeping up with my posts and thank you for staying patient. To my new readers, welcome and I hope you find my blog helpful for you.

I just want to give a little thanks to all you readers for being there for me and reading whatever I put out there.

I hope things are going well for all of you and things continue to find a way up if they aren’t.


So the last couple weeks I started therapy and so far things have been going well. I’ve been given some good things to start working on and I’m hoping it will help.

But before I had my second appointment, I started to notice that my autism symptoms have gone back to how they used to be. I’m not nearly as overloaded with sensory issues or my mind going so fast that it’s like white noise in my brain.

It’s nice to be getting back to not feeling like I am a deer in headlights. Trying to attempt to explain a lot of what changed is a bit hard and I may think of more later and write about that.

But I also noticed, my anxiety and depression has been more manageable now and I’m able to actually know what it feels like to be at a “normal” level of experiencing them.

Granted, as I write this I’ve been dealing with anxiety for almost 24 hours on and off so that’s not exactly fun. But this has been more manageable than what it used to be for so long.

I’m just glad I’m able to finally be back to who I am and be able to get through things in a way that is more manageable for me. It’s a nice change.

Hope all you readers are doing fairly well and that life is doing it’s best to treat you kindly. Keep going if it isn’t. It will get better! I believe in you.