Web of Anxiety

As I sit and watch Family Feud on Game Show Network, my parents decide to take an overnight to my grandparents to help them out.

I had know about this earlier today so it wasn’t a huge shock to me.

The thing that gets me more is being filled with the anxiety of being at home overnight.

Its an interesting feeling. I’m not completely alone. I have my sister. But we both do our own things. But the anxiety is a weird thing to experience when they leave.

The sudden change of having 4 people plus a dog to 2 people and no dog is different.

The ritual of having my mom watching her shows on Sunday nights. My dad finishing up projects around the house. My mom cooking a meal.

Its so weird that something that is simple and needs to be done (my grandparents need help, they aren’t what they used to be at all) can be a weirdly drastic change.

The anxiety is a harder one to explain.

To those that have it may understand where I come from.

Basically what happens during these kinds of situations for me is I get this pit in my stomach that spreads all throughout my abdominal area.

The best way to describe it is its like a spider web. The center being like the stoamch and the threads from the center are the anxiety spreading.

I hope that gives a good representation. Anxiety, like depression, comes in so many forms it gets confusing to try and explain.

Luckily the feeling doesn’t last longer than 3-4 minutes and the anxiety wears off after a while. In most cases it does anyway. Some times it can affect my sleep.

Hopefully it doesn’t tonight. I could really use the sleep.

But its definitely a bit of an overwhelming feeling when dealing with it. I know the reason behind them leaving is a good one but like I had said earlier, change can be hard sometimes when your on the spectrum.

Things will work out though. Just need to take some time to get through it

Week’s End

To say this has been an interesting week would be an understatement. Work was an anything that could potentially happen was attempting to happen.

Monday started out the week like a Friday.

Then you get those mid-week drags.

Then comes Friday, which somehow turned into Monday.

Strange week.

Or so you think.

To make things harder, on my end, I somehow came down with a cold of some sort. I shouldn’t have been working with it and could have called in at least one day, but didn’t. Managed to make it through the week and am glad to have a couple days off to be able to heal.

There was one thing that did make my week ten times better though.

The good news you ask?

We have someone coming in to train on the cook’s help position during the week and do salads every other weekend.

What this means for me is that after this person gets trained on cook’s help and salads, I will no longer have to do two jobs in one day 2-3 days a week unless I am absolutely needed.

When I had heard this person was going to start training Monday, I was beyond ecstatic. It has felt like the longest two months on the face of the planet. It felt like it had been going on for a year that I had been doing both floors and cook’s help.

Hopefully this is the start of new and better things to come around my job. It would be wonderful to finally get back into the groove of my regular job.

But until then, two more weeks of 2 in 1 jobs a day. And hopefully this person works out for the best.

Fingers crossed!!

First Time in a While

For the first time in at least 2 months, my over-stimulation kicked in at work and caused me to slow down a little bit.

I was doing another two jobs in one day and came back from the advanced home care section of the retirement home I work in and all I saw where our cooks cooler was chaos.

Our stock guy was trying to put stuff away. My boss was trying to clean out the freezer and put stuff away. All the chaos from that was in an area I normally work in.

It kicked my overwhelming side in and slowef me down quite a bit.

It slowed me down so much that I felt the need to start moving faster to get done on time.

Unfortunately, that lead to spilling milk on me, dumping water from a shop vac that we use to suck out our steam tables all over me, and wondering if getting out at 8 was even possible.

Luckily, it did happen but to make matters worse, I came down with a cold.

It was definitely a night of me having to maneuver my way around others all while doing one thing after another trying to get out on time.

Hopefully that kind of thing doesn’t happen again. That was the most chaotic night in a very long time I’ve had.

Differences Between Autism and OCD

So, as I’m sitting at my grandparents house waiting to celebrate my grandpa’s birthday and go to a Bruno Mars concert (he is my abnormal obsession, which I will explain later), triggered my curiosity as to why those on the spectrum have abnormal obsessions.

We all have to admit, there is always that one or two things that we have an obsession about.

Anyone female who grew up in the 80s and 90s grew up with boy band obsessions. I am definitely in that catagory.

A lot of people, myself included, grew up and still continue to have obsessions with sports.

Some have food obsessions. Others have obsessions with certain celebrities.

Anyway, you get my point.

Humans are prone to have obsessions with things. Its part of human nature.

But does having an obsession put you in the OCD catagory?

Does that put you in the spectrum?

Or are there specific qualifications that put you into those categories and smaller obsessions aren’t a big deal?

These are things I can try to answer.

The Autism Blog Seattle’s Children breaks down the difference between OCD and Autism obsessive behavior and how to differentiate between the two.

It will also help me understand how my OCD is different than the OCD diagnosis and how both differentiate between anyone else who has obsessions that aren’t diagnosed in either of these catagories.

OCD, according to Autism Blog Seattle’s Children, is an anxiety disorder caused by a) persistent and distressing thoughts and b) behaviors used to cope with these behaviors.

People with OCD are “compelled” to perform these behaviors and feel they help them not have bad things happen to them.

Examples are worrying about germs, worrying about harm coming to self and others, distinguishing right from wrong (guily about morals) and religiosity.

Ways these people deal with these behaviors are ritualized handwashing, checking, ordering and/or rearranging, apologizing, and mental rituals (such as counting or praying.)

The thing I never realized until reading this article is that OCD is like autism in the sense that more boys are diagnosed than girls. It doesn’t go into detail, which I wish it did, but I personally believe that in some ways it could be the way that boys show things more than girls do. But I’m very inclined to believe that based off of the research done in autism.

This is where I get to tell you what differences OCD has compared to autism.

Autism, as you all have learned, is a neurological disorder that causes the neurons in a person affected to flare up and die off. The amount that do this depends on how severe a person will end up.

Like OCD, and many other mental illnesses and disabilities, autism has different levels of severity.

But the one big difference between autism and OCD is the levels of obsessions and types of obsessions that a person has.

There are some similarities between the two, like arranging, touching/tapping, ordering, and counting.

But the biggest difference is that people on the spectrum don’t think about their rituals and end up becoming more of an urge to do them.

People with autism may appear to have limited insight as to why these rituals happen, whereas those with OCD know exactly what they are doing and why they do it.

Not to say that those with autism don’t know. Its more of a subconscious ritual and when someone points it out, they don’t fully realize what they are doing and can’t come up with a reasons other than its just something I do or I don’t know.

In a lot of ways, those with autism use these rituals to satisfy other needs. Examples include, modifying sensory needs, gaining reinforcement from the environment, or preserving “sameness” in their daily lives.

Those with OCD, like I mentioned earlier, use their rituals to lessen their fears of anxiety, and keeping bad things from happening.

Is it possible for people with autism to also have OCD? According to this article, yes.

People on the spectrum have a higher rate of anxiety than most humans. One study was done where it was shown that 17% of those with autism also had some level of OCD.

Those with autism that also had OCD tended to lean more towards the OCD end of things when performing their rituals.

When I say that, I’m talking about using their rituals to find ways to lessen their anxiety in a way that is anxiety-driven, like all OCD cases.

To those who read this and feel like you or your child could be one or both of these, please check with a health care professional to get the proper teating done.

As for me, I feel like I have both.

The autism side of my rituals is me doing some form of exercise, mainly jogging, in a subconscious obsesdive way. I know I do it, a lot of times I forget that I am, but as far as to why, I couldn’t tell you.

As far as my Bruno Mars obsession, its an OCD obsession. I am very much aware of my ritual with him. I can’t go one day without listening to his music. He brings me joy in my life when my favorite band, Shinedown, isn’t able too.

Its an obsession that started when i saw him live for the first time 3 years ago. Ever since, its been my way or relieve anxiety. His music brings me to a place that makes me happier. Makes me feel like life isn’t as bad as media proteays it to be.

If any of you have stories about this topic, please feel free to share. I would love to hear your stories!

Struggles With Some Realization

I know from my last post it was a bit of an emotional ramble.

Yes, I do struggle with anxiety and depression. Yes, it does kick in my OCD. Yes, I do over-think, over-react and become a little hard to deal with in this state of mind.

But let me be clear on one thing.

I work in a retirement home surrounded by death and those who deal with mental illness and autism are more prone to being attached to that.

Having the empathetic connection that I have and being around death 8 hours a day 5 days a week dealing with this can be very consuming.

And that has definitely altered a lot of my emotional state, from research and personal experience.

I’m not trying to say that there isn’t a way to try and cope. Any suggestions are extremely welcome! Just know that there are times I need to rant to get it out of me instead of letting it consume me.

I was on my way to work this morning, listening to the album F.E.A.R by Papa Roach.

One song on there is called War Over Me.

It talks about the personal struggle of dealing with some sort of war with yourself, whether its mental illness or some other thing, and having that cry out where your desperate to find a way to get help.

Yesterday’s post makes me feel like that may have been part of my quest to try and move forward.

Thank you to those who took time to read and thank you to those who gave any type of suggestions.

Hopefully I am on an upswing and things will be better next week.

Anxiety-fueled Depression

Does anyone out there suffer from depression that stems from anxiety?

Better yet, does anyone suffer from it after growing up with one bad thing after another happening to you?

For most of my life, I have dealt with some form of harassment, mostly bullying.

I read a post from another blogger about ways to tell where different kinds of depression and anxiety can stem from.

One was developing them over time after dealing with some form of trauma. Every person’s will be different but for me, it was sadly formed from all the terrible people I have encountered from the time I was 11.

Over time, it has gotten worse to the extent that I can’t find a way to shut it off. Its even gotten to points where I could do nothing wrong and I’ll have this guilty feeling like I have.

I’ve got music to help and I try to exercise as much as I can but still can’t curb the issues I’m facing.

Having these issues is hard.

I’m consistently miserable at my job because I feel like I need to please everyone and I know that there are people that don’t like me.

I have so many doubts about myself that I feel like I’m not meant for anyone beyond friendship.

I get frustraited that people don’t actually want to know the real me. That there are people out there that have some sort of problem with me but yet can’t realize that I’m going through personal stuff just as much as them.

And that makes dealing with what I have even harder.

Maybe I’m crazy for feeling that way.

Maybe I am overreacting.

Or maybe my depression, anxiety and autism are all coinciding to cause the fantasy I want to not add up to reality.

Whatever it is, I just wish there was a way to make it stop.

Some Days I Wonder

Does anyone have those days where they question why people decide to act a certain way towards other? And in certain situations over something that’s none of thwir business to begin with?

A lot of people I work with tend to think its ok to treat people differently over the way this person lives their live. Or in some cases, use their past against them when a person gets fired for a particular reason.

Working in food service, this kind of behavior happens all the time. Its hard working with people like this.

All the gossip. All the backstabbing.

Its all child’s play.

Why do people, especially people who should be adults, decide to go out of their way to do this to others? Is a lack of respect a real reason for this?

Immaturity at its finest I can tell you that.

I have been getting tired of this a lot more lately. Its ridiculous that people think it’s ok to disrespect people doing this and not even truly know the person they are doing it too.

What has happened to society?

Is this really how we are supposed to live now?

Is acting like anything but yourself being important the right thing to do?

There are so many other worse things happening in the world that this self-absorption, gossip style attitude is ridiculously out of control.

I just wish something could be done to stop this.

Relaxing Evening

Last night, my parents and I took out dog out to the lakeshore just for the fun of it. It was something my mom had wanted to do.

Our little puppy’s name is Tilly. She’s a sweet, sassy little girl with a personality as big as a Great Dane!

This is the second time we’ve taken her to the beach but she didn’t handle it too well. She was worse off than I was!

We got her as a rescue and she had some abuse and has some seperation anxiety who is also extremely attached to my mom.

My mom walked away for 2 minutes to change a lense on her camera and she couldn’t stop whining.

This was what my mom had wanted to go see. Along the lakeshore of the place I live has sand dunes up and down the coast.

The town we went to had a state park of sand dunes that led to the lakeshore.

It took us about a mile of walking through woods and through the dunes to get there but you can see why it was worth it.

We were there long enough to see the sun set and while we were there we got to meet a family who has a son with autism.

It was no fluke that happened. Their dog wanted to meet ours and mybdad happened to be wearing a shirt about autism that gor us on the topic.

They were a wonderful family. They had done mission work throughout the world and their son was doing a community project thing with other people who have disabilities through a church.

They happened to be the second family my dad and I talked to about having a family member on the spectrum.

Crazy how you meet people just from wearing a shirt about it!

On our way home though I had some anxiety. I think because I secretly didn’t want to leave.

In all honesty, who would want to leave this?

But it was nice while it lasted!

Watch “One Republic feat. Toni Cornell – Hallelujah | GMA Summer Concert Tribute (Aug 04, 2017)”

Please watch this. It is a tribute to Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington.

Today was supposed to be the day Linkin Park had performed on Good Morning America but due to Bennington’s untimely passing, One Republic stood in.

This song they did with Chris Cornell’s daughter, and I give her so much credit for bringing herself to perform on national tv.

As I have said before, please get help for you or someone you know that struggles with mental health issues. I’ve had a couple friends pass away from them and have seen what can happen to those in the public eye.

Please also be kind to everyone. You never know what another person is going through and your kindness may be what can save someone’s life.

Everyone, disability, mental illness or addiction, deserves the chance to be loved by someone. All I ask of you is to just pay forward kindness. It can go a long way in someone’s life.

Now, when you watch this video, please have a box of tissues by your side. There will be a high chance, especially if you are like me, that you will cry just by seeing others cry.

Topics of Interest

Is there anything out there, whether about autism or not, that someone thinks I should talk about?

Something that not many people may know about but have alwayd wanted to learn?

I feel like talking possibly talking about how far people with disabilities have come is a good idea and if anyone thinks so please let me know.

Or if something else is intriguing, please leave a comment!

This is your chance as my readers to let your voice be heard as to what you would like to see talked about and let others hear and learn about.