A chance to unwind

As I was working on journaling to help with some self care, I started to realize something. That the one type of journaling that helped me destress last year is the one I haven’t done much this year. Blogging.

Yes I realize not many people consider blogging journaling but it was a very big stress release for me last year to help me comprehend what was happening.

And unfortunately, things have been so insane in my life that being able to have true relaxing down time has been hard. The self care struggle bus has been very hard to board, especially lately. It’s been hard to want to find reasons to write. It’s been hard to want to find reasons to self-care. It’s just been hard to want to relax.

But today, I realized I needed to finally get out there that I know I’ve been struggling. To an extent that I’m very much burned out more than people realize.

The last several months, well let’s be honest the last almost 2 years, has been very draining for a lot of people. Especially ones who work in a healthcare setting. The insane changes. Multiple changes in a short time at a faster than normal rate.

Adjusting to a new normal that kept having different variations of normal. Having to cope with stress that most have never dealt with at this magnitude.

This and so much more has been very draining to the extent that a lot of my coworkers, myself included, are starting to suffer from the burnout of it all. And I genuinely do believe that this burnout is why it’s been so hard for me to post.

I really do feel mentally drained before I get to work and even worse once I leave. It’s extremely tough going through all of this.

I’ve been sleeping a lot more lately that’s how drained I’ve been. My days off never feel like days off anymore, as I barely have enough energy to do the stuff I want to do, let alone having energy to want to hang out with anyone.

Which brings me to the point of saying, journaling is something that has helped me feel connected to others without feeling alone. Even if I truly do feel alone but too scared to reach out to people.

It sounds weird but with the last few months we’ve all dealt with, it’s probably the most normal thing we’ve all felt at some point.

To those that are regular readers, thank you for dealing with my lack of posts. I know they are very sporadic and mostly short lately. But now that I’m figuring out ways to help me do self-care, I’m hoping I can do this more often as I know it helps clear my head of the clutter.

Hard time with writing

I know the last post I made I had said I was planning on trying to write more. That I had set up days to remind myself to write.

Unfortunately, things have been so crazy I haven’t been able to do so. Which is truly unfortunate because I do enjoy writing.

Things at work have been, to say the least, stressful, being short staffed. Yes I am aware it’s happening all over the place at many different lines of work. And it is very much a burnout situation for many people.

I get it. It’s been hard on a lot of those I work with, so I can only imagine how others feel as well.

I won’t get to talking too much about it as I’m trying to stay in a wishful thinking position that things will get better.

On another note, earlier this summer I was connected to a small group at the church I attend. It’s been very much a learning experience for me to be involved with something like that, as I never thought a small group would be for me.

To those who don’t know, a small group, at least in America, is a group of people who study different parts of the bible in a smaller setting than what a church is able to do. We are able to give our opinions and interpretations of what different passages mean to us and how they relate to they ways of what God wants us to do.

Yes I am aware not everyone is going to want to hear about religion who reads this. And I am also aware that what works for me won’t always work for others. But I do genuinely think this has helped me, being in this setting, to know that I’m not the only person who struggles in ways that can be harder than others. Ways like mental health, relationships, friendships, work, and overall life in general.

And it also helps me to know that I do have ways to help myself heal outside of just having therapy and self-help care to overcome what I deal with.

Life has definitely been hard lately in home life though. My family is struggling to get my grandfather the help he needs, not because we aren’t doing it well, but because he has needs that are more complicated than most people.

I won’t give details. It’s just harder to get the right help and sad to see him going downhill the way he is. But we are trying the best we can and that’s all we can do.

Hopefully you all are doing well and things continue to get better for you. If not, I hope things eventually get better as time goes on.

Quick update

So this platform had an update on my phone that is fairly new. The user is able to schedule days to be able to write posts if the reminder is needed.

For someone like me who has struggled to not only have things to talk about but also remember to make a post, let alone finish one if I’ve started it, this is an amazing feature for me.

I’m hoping by setting this up, and possibly making adjustments on the days I want to post, it will help me to get back into blogging again and I can eventually get back into researched posts.

Trust me, it’s been hard the last few months not writing a whole lot but it’s been harder to find the will to write about anything at all.

There was a huge part of me that didn’t want to just make a post about all the depression and anxiety I have every single time I would have written. Not that it’s not who I am, but more not to burden others with a mindset of downer-style posts.

After a while those can get boring and attention seeking and no one really wants to deal with that all the time. One might slip through once in a while going forward, but I will try not to make every post about that.

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend. It’s really nice out where I’m at and got to enjoy some time outside. Have a wonderful rest of your weekend!

New update with great results

Since my last post, I’ve had some things happening for the better. Yes I talked about my positive mindset last time, and that is still going strong.

It’s kind of weird but at this point it’s much better for me accepting it than it was when it started. Especially now that I’ve bee accustomed to it.

Another big update is that for the first time in God knows how long, I’m going on 3 days straight of no anxiety or other co-morbid issues with that and I’m loving every second of this. It’s been quite some time where I’ve been this content with everything going on.

On the autism side of things, something I don’t think I’ve talked about in a while, things have been fairly good. Yes I have moments, I can’t be 100% all the time. But it’s been under control for the most part for several months now. I haven’t had a major meltdown in at least two months, and haven’t had many since the start of covid.

I’ve had a few days here and there where sensory issues have been over the top for me. But things are actually fairly good for me as far as how my brain has been able to handle everything that’s been going on lately.

It’s crazy to think that I have been handling my autism better than my anxiety lately. Usually it’s been the other way around.

But like I had mentioned earlier, both have actually been under control the last few days and it’s been great.

Maybe this positive mindset is something that can actually help with both in controlling how calm I can stay. Or maybe it just so happens to be the timing of when I started the positivity, like it’s a contributing factor but not the sole purpose.

Who knows what the reasoning is, but I am going to keep doing what I’m doing and hope for even better days going forward in hopes of making things even better for me and others around me.

Hopefully you all are doing wonderful and everything is going fairly well in your life.

If it’s a rough patch, I hope you are able to pull out and that things look better for you in the process. I know it’s always hard to see that but things do always get better.

Long time without an update

So, I know it’s been a while since an update, but I’ve been having issues getting motivated to do so. But a lot has changed in the last month or so since I last updated.

I have been trying to find ways to become a more positive individual as that’s been something I’ve struggled with for quite a while. Mostly due to having poor coping skills with anxiety and depression, allowing both to consume me instead of having the feelings and taking control of them before they get out of hand.

Well I finally found something that helps me. I happened to come across a gratitude journal at a store a couple weeks ago and it’s been making a huge difference for me. It’s one where you start your day stating your intentions in a positive way and ending with how your day went positively.

And it’s actually doing something a lot more than I thought it would. It’s something I took a chance on and it’s become a great part of my routine that it’s crazy how much it worked.

Trust me when I say this, impulse purchases are not something I usually do and this is one of the best impulse bits I’ve ever had.

Yes I know everyone has there own ways of coping with whatever they deal with but this is one way that I definitely recommend for people who are striving for a more positive mindset and are at a loss with how they can try to do so.

But now that I’ve said this, I’m hoping I didn’t jynx myself with it working. I hope it continues and things keep going well on a mental mindset.

Don’t get me wrong, I know doing these types of things for me have been helpful for positivity. But that doesn’t mean I don’t let myself have an off day or two. The best thing I have is the ability to allow myself to have bad days but still have the reminder that I am in control of how bad that day becomes.

And that’s what’s been making a difference is not only thinking it but having already written it down, many days in a row, that it has become ingrained in my brain. An impulse purchase caused such a positive change that I feel better saying that I am finally on a better path now that I was a few months ago.

I hope all of you are doing well. I hoe things begin to look up for you and get you back on track if you are struggling. You got this and keep trying your best.

Many trials, no relief

Anyone out there been so stressed out that stuff you usually do to calm yourself down isn’t helping and your desperate to find relief?

Well, lately that’s been me. Anxiety sky high with what seems like no relief. Work becoming more and more short-staffed by the week that you wonder how your going to make it. It’s been just a whirlwind of insane chaos that I have no idea how people can handle dealing with that plus home life.

It’s been so bad that I can’t seem to relax from my high stress mode. I know it’s a tough time for a lot of places right now so I know it’s not just my place of employment. It’s just a hard thing to get through when your losing people faster than you can even consider hiring someone else.

I just hope things are able to get better. That somehow I can find a way to be relieved of the stress. And get back to some form of normalcy.

I try to keep things light at work and at least be a light of hope in a stressful environment, which ai think has been helping a lot of people. Laughter makes things more bearable.

I’m just hoping I can find other things that can help me relieve my stressors while at home. If anyone has anything that can help, please comment what works for you so I can try it out

Hard to function

Normally I try to write posts about a positive light. This time, not so much. Things haven’t been exactly great to a level that I just don’t feel like I’m doing that great of a job at work.

It literally feels like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of everything happening in my life being unfortunately hard, that depression, anxiety, and my autism aren’t capable of handling any more.

Not to make this sound like I’m the only one who has problems. I know we all do and that life is hard for a lot of people. Trust me, I get it. We all struggle with our own issues and no one’s issues are less significant than anyone else’s.

People are allowed to have those moments as much as the next person. But unfortunately I just feel like I’m in a position where I’m just causing too many problems for others because of my own struggles.

I just don’t know how much more I can handle of this issue I keep causing without stopping. I could just be so stressed that I’m overthinking all of this but I just feel like nothing I do anymore is going to be good enough.

As I was writing this post, a song by Breaking Benjamin, a hard rock band for those who don’t know who they are, came on my Spotify that reminds me of how I feel. The song is called What Lies Beneath and I highly suggest looking up the song. I feel like a lot of people can relate to this song.

In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve been on the receiving end of damage and that I’ve been the person who does the damage. And I know I have the problem. I just don’t know how to fix what happens to stop it.

I’m sorry of this is all over the place. It’s hard to keep everything on track when your brain can’t stop moving. I hope this post was readible and not too crazy confusing. I know it’s a very vague post but I don’t want to go into too much detail. I just hope I can find ways to get through things without causing more issues.

Autism, emotions, and how it affects us

The time has come for me to finally write and post the long awaited blog of autism and emotions.

I apologize for this long wait as I kept reminding myself and then forgetting in a vicious cycle.

But I’ve definitely wanted to put in some work for this as I know emotional states can be a lot harder on those with autism than they can others.

To start this off, every site I’ve gone to has stated that autistic individuals have a harder time recognizing emotions in not only others, but themselves as well. This is contrary belief to researchers stating that we don’t feel emotions whatsoever.

In fact, we are more overwhelmed by the emotions we feel more than anything, which can be a big cause of a lot of the meltdowns that happen. Including those individuals who get violent meltdowns. I know I’ve been there and it’s not fun.

But the big reason behind why I wanted to write this post was some of the autism groups I’m in on Facebook have talked a lot lately about how a parent is struggling with their child due to all their routines being changed because of the pandemic.

I know a lot of people have been dealing with a lot of changes, and I totally get that. Changes to this extreme are hard on anyone. But what is it that causes the autism brain to react even harder than others when something in their life has been changed drastically?

Why do people on the spectrum have an overwhelming response to things that are out of their control?

And why do we have a harder time regulating our emotions?

As far as things being out of control, from my experience, it feels like a loss of self when the things around you are changing so much faster than normal that it’s hard to gain control. It’s harder to want to adjust when the unknown keeps adjusting.

It’s a scary sense of never knowing what will ever happen again and trying to find ways to adapt while having to battle inner, and in a lot of other cases outer demons, that don’t seem to be in our control.

Which is why people on the spectrum prefer routines. It gives them the chance to unwind and have a sense of consistent security in their lives.

But how does this affect the ability to regulate our emotions?

I know for me, having that routine helps me to keep my emotions in check. It helps me to have a regulatory sense of self, knowing that I’m ok, and I’m able to find ways to release emotional tension.

But on the flip side, not being able to have a routine can cause a meltdown.

To retouch on meltdowns, a meltdown is a what happens when someone is overwhelmed by their emotions, situation, sounds, or too much going on. Whatever it is that is your final trigger, meltdowns are a result of too much of everything going on and is a way of releasing those emotions.

This is where I want to elaborate more with not just meltdowns but emotions in general.

From my experience, autistic individuals deal with emotions on a grander scale than others. When we are excited, we are very, very excited. When we have a meltdown, it can be a very extreme meltdown. As in there is potential for holes in walls and doors, hurting other people, hurting yourself, or full on extreme crying.

Most people assume meltdowns are tantrums, which never is the case. Tantrums are a result of not getting what you want. Meltdowns are a result of the brain processing too much all at once.

And because of meltdowns, happiness, sadness, anger, and whatever else you experience, I truly believe that emotional regulation is based off of having a routine of some sort. It helps us know that there are certain things that we have to look forward to that will help us keep calm.

I know I tried many times to look up autism and emotions and I didn’t get anywhere except for ways to help a person avoid having a full blown meltdown. Which, I do agree is a way to be able to help but the ways that were suggested can differ from person to person.

Some suggestions were: keep a lookout for triggers while out shopping, bring noise cancelling headphones in case of loud noises, keep an eye out for change in behavior, etc.

Granted yes these are simple but, anyone who has an autistic child or adult in their life is mostly prepared for these suggestions anyway. Which is why I chose not to add them.

But I do want to say, if you have moments of needed to break a child or adult’s routine, I highly suggest bringing that change up to them as far ahead of the change as possible and as many times as needed leading up to it. As well as guiding through the transition of that change.

I will add, this does not apply to everyone as some are more easy going about changes than others but to avoid others having a meltdown and helping out with emotional regulation, I do suggest going with the things I have listed.

But, you know your autistic person and I will keep saying this, do what’s best for that person.

I hope this was a decent post for you all and I’m so sorry this took longer than anticipated for it to finally be posted. Thank you for your patience and sticking with me through this

Long time, no posts, lots of updates

So over the course of the last few months, things have definitely been quite hectic. Lots of changes that have been happening at my job, mixed with lots of changes at home and my personal life that I’ve been having a hard time trying to make a post.

It’s been so crazy that I have a post started about autism individuals and how they handle their emotions and mental state that I still have yet to finish!

To start out, I’ve been working with a therapist since about mid January on trying to find ways to better my mental state, and so far things are definitely a bit rocky, but I’m better off now than I was when I started.

I’ve gotten a lot better at understanding that I can only do so much to control my reactions to others and it’s been working a lot better than it used too knowing that.

I say that as I have unfortunately had to stop talking about personal stuff with a coworker I used to talk to all the time as I was tired of the work related treatment I was receiving. I know in those moments that there were things I may have not done, and yes a lot of that was my mental state wasn’t in a good place. But I am human and things are going to get overlooked or not done properly.

But I won’t get too much into that whole situation.

On top of learning how to control myself in tough situations, I’ve gotten a better handle on knowing how to look at someone’s past and present on why people act the way that they do and rationalizing that how a person acts is a reflection of who they are.

Ive also been trying to work on, and this one is a lot tougher, trying to view myself in a better way than the negativity that I’ve unfortunately grown accustomed to over the years. I’ve tried positive affirmations videos a little bit and I’m trying to work on focusing on the positives and diverting my negative thoughts when they happen, and keeping a journal of them. Hopefully I can find other ways with those and if anyone has any ideas please help out!

On top of all these things, we become unfortunately short staffed at my job and that’s been very taxing mentally, especially when your already mentally taxed. But we are all doing our best and making things happen.

Hopefully in the nearer future I am able to actually work on and finish the post of autism and emotions and get that up. I know I’ve said that before but with everything I’ve talked about, it’s definitely been a rough time all around to try to get to it.

Eventual researched post soon

I know it’s been a while since my last post but I just thought I’d give a quick update.

It’s been hard lately to want to write, not that I don’t want too, but that I am trying to come up with a post that fits a lot of people with autism.

A post about mental health, as I just am now coming out of a mental health fog.

It’s one that’s not only going to be beneficial for people with autism, but those who work with or love someone with autism.

As well with talking about mental, I am planning on adding in a section of how to help with emotional regulation, as that seems fitting for mental health issues.

I know it seems ridiculous to want to constantly talk mental health, but in all honesty, a lot of people deal with it, especially right now with everything so unsettling that I feel it’s an important reminder for everyone.

I hope everyone is still trying to stay safe where they are. To the European readers I have, I hope your mentality it’s ok as I know a lot of you are on strict lockdowns right now. Try to keep your head up as best as you can and try to video chat or call friends to try and stay as sane as possible.

Good luck to all of you!

The blessings of writing

The one thing I absolutely love about blogging is the fact that I feel in some way it can help someone out in ways that neither myself or the reader is expected. Yes, I did fall off the rails with a couple posts last year being a bit redundant about the pandemic, but let’s be honest: how many of us have really gone through one before?

I mean isn’t it new territory navigating it for everyone?
That being said, yes I talked a little too much about something that can’t exactly change right now but have a positive outlook that things are starting to look up.

All that aside, this post wasn’t meant to be about that. I wanted to actually get a chance to say how awesome it feels to have someone reblog my posts. It gives me a sense of accomplishment that someone liked what they read enough to share it with others.

And in just 4 short years I’ve covered such a variety of topics from research to feelings and everything in between where I’ve managed to obtain 47 followers and reach many different countries, United States predominantly.

This year, I am actually going to get back to researching different topics that I’ve been learning about in different autism groups I’m in online and hoping that will be beneficial for others here as well. I want to be able to reach even more people, even if it takes a few years.

To followers new and old, thank you for your support and continuing to read, even when my posts get a little boring or repeatitive.

New year, semi-new ways

Well, as we are 7 days into a new year, I can already say I’m done with this year. In so many ways I’m done. But, I can’t control what decides to happen this year. I can only control myself.

And unfortunately, it’s been an ongoing struggle to be able to control things in that regard. A lot of personal struggles that I’ve been dealing with and I’m at a crossroads.

In some ways, I’m trying to pick up better habits for myself in dealing with my depression. For example, over the holidays, I had received some gifts meant to help with some form of release in a way of being able to help maintain a level of calm in my brain.

What I mean is I received a meditation book with putty to help me focus on something other than my thoughts, a journal for happiness and one for bravery, a triple card deck of different cards for positivity, good deeds and reducing stress, and a christian gratitude journal.

Stuff to help promote good mental health practices.

Unfortunately, because it’s not part of my normal autism routine, I’m having a hard time adjusting to doing any of them. When I do any of them, good things do happens. But like any good mental health journey, practice helps keep things going well.

And when you don’t take those efforts, well things can be a rocky road of darkness. A road that can vary for every person.

And that’s where things can get hard for me on a mental health and autism side.

My mentality says, well screams, get help.

My autism says, I see I need help but it’s out of sight out of mind. But most cases in sight out of mind because my blinders are on in the sense of getting help.

Not that I don’t want to get it, it’s just hard for people with autism to make executive functioning decisions like that. Not that it’s impossible and that there are ones who are fully capable on their own without daily reminders.

It’s just an as a whole thing that we tend to struggle in certain aspects of maintaining some of healthy lifestyle.

But as I kind of hinted at, each person with autism is different and there are some who are fully capable of things like that. That’s why it’s a spectrum.

I do hope that it makes sense though. I’m trying to explain in a way that makes sense, but unfortunately I’m listening to music and trying to think of what I’m typing and I can’t seem to focus this time around haha.

Maybe one day I can do a bit of research behind people on the spectrum and their lack of care for themselves. Like why it’s harder for a vast majority to remember to do things that most understand needs to happen. Like doctors appointments, mental health help, and other topics as well. Just an idea.

But anyway, as I was saying, I’m trying to incorporate these things I had received to hopefully help myself become more positive or at least try not to be so hard on myself.

That’s is going to be my goal this year. Especially how last year drained so many people on a mental level that was so hard to handle all around. And I really do mean this in all aspects, please do seek out help if you are struggling. I know first hand it’s easier said than done but I know it can make a life change in many great ways.

Blackness in a world of changes

Ever have those moments where you can’t seem to come up things to write about? Like, you know you want to write something but can’t even come up with something that hasn’t been said 1,000 times over?

Well that’s been me the last couple months. A mental fog that I can’t seem to break. A writer’s block if you will.

It also doesn’t help me that I’ve been getting discouraged by the lack of views I’ve been getting lately. Like, I want to keep writing but I’m not able to write if people don’t seem to want to read. I know there are a handful that will on a regular but sometimes it feels pointless.

That could just be my mentality at this point getting me discouraged. I don’t think I could give this up yet. I want to still try and help others in some way.

On a positive note, I’m really starting to like some of the changes happening at my job. We started changing over to new management about 2 months ago and it’s so far been a great thing so far.

The new executive chef has been very helpful in the kitchen and it’s been crazy to see but in a good way. He’s super helpful and very good at teaching people ways to do things with cooking. Its awesome.

Our new dining services director complimented me yesterday on how he can tell that I’m a very strong, confident, hard working and focused individual. Something I wasn’t expecting to hear but grateful that someone sees me in a way I didn’t realize I was doing. An unexpected compliment that actually put a bright spot in my year that I didn’t realize I needed.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and new year and make the most of the rest of this year

The more you learn

Over the course of this year, I, like everyone else, have learned a lot about not only myself, but others as well. One thing that I have definitely learned, is how people tend to gossip and slander others behind their backs.

I know that as humans we have a tendency to do both. Something that is very easy to fall into but harder to pull out of, especially if some people thrive on it.

In the last two months, I have learned coworkers and people that I have known in my personal life have been guilty of this about me. Had this been made known to me a couple years ago, I would have taken it to heart.

Now? Who cares. That’s on them if they want to make someone look bad over who they think I am.

It makes me believe that I clearly left a mark of some kind if they are choosing to talk about me.

It’s this growth I’ve had where I have learned how you can only control your response to this kind of action. And by allowing myself to say that it’s not a reflection on me, but a reflection on them, I know it’s less fuel for me to let it consume me.

I’ve also allowed myself to learn not to talk about many people behind their backs. Yes I do falter and that’s going to happen. But the main component is that I’m trying to not be that person anymore.

It’s not easy but I know in the end is beneficial. Something that should be beneficial for everyone, as it could make this world better.

Hopefully you all have grown in some ways and learned things that have helped you along the way.

What a year

I don’t know about all of you, but I’m still trying to process how it’s already December. I’m still stuck mentally in like June or July. This has been quite a year that’s for sure. The longest, fastest year at that.

But in all honesty, I’m glad it’s gone by fast. It’s been like 5 years wrapped into one and I’m sure ready for this to be over.

Thinking back on everything that’s happened, I’m very impressed with how I haven’t had many major meltdowns since March, aside from maybe one 2 months ago.

I’ve been calm and not calm at the same time dealing with everything that happens. Yes, I do stumble emotionally, but who doesn’t? I mean after all we are human and are entitled to falter right?

To add to that, I’m also quite impressed with how I’ve been able to handle the changes that have happened at alarming rates all year. Well, aside from when it all started, seeing as it was new for everyone and stressful to handle getting used too.

Now it’s been, oh what changes are going to happen this time? Or, I may not like this change but it is what it is at this point. Or the ever infamous line, when will this all be over?!

At least those three are very common at my job, and I know that last one is definitely something everyone is feeling. So I know that I’m not alone there.

What I do feel is that some people don’t seem to understand is how something on this grand of a scale can be very overwhelming for those on the spectrum.

This whole year has been rough for everyone, with kids having to be virtual for school, to parents having to teach, work, and parent all in one, and so much more.

But those with mental health issues, as well as disabilities, have been greater risks this year for the changes affecting their mentality.

As far as mental health goes for me, I’ve had my ups and downs, but I’ve been one who’s life really hasn’t changed much outside of having to wear PPE and getting tested each week, currently twice right now as an uptick has been going on in my area.

I’ve definitely been fortunate to be in that circumstance, as I know others haven’t and that is very much a hard adjustment. And it’s valid to feel those ways as it’s been a year for everyone, even though each person’s story wi vary.

But the thing that shocks me most is that my autism has been less present this year than it has been in past years. Which to me seems weird, as something of this caliber would normally make it hard.

I haven’t been as sensory ridden from everything going on. I haven’t been overwhelmed by the changes taking place every week. Or every day depending on where you live. I’ve taken on each change as an oh this is being added now? What’s next?

Which that’s a huge change for me since the beginning, as when this all started I couldn’t deal with any of it.

But then again, I was also dealing with the attempt of healing from a break-up at the beginning of the year so emotions were already on high.

It seems so weird how much in such a short time has changed that until you sit and think about, you don’t realize it. Maybe this year was meant for this purpose. But no one really knows until they go forward on this path.

Been too long

So I know I haven’t updated in a while, but it’s a very good reason why.

Obviously, being in the midst of a pandemic, it’s hard to talk about certain things revolving around it because, well let’s face it, we all know it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

That can definitely put a damper on people’s mentality. I know it has in spurts for me.

Especially since the area I live in is going through a second wave right now so we are in the midst of a partial shutdown in my state.

Between that and a crazy changes happening at my job, it’s been hard to find that moment of knowing what to say and if I wanted to post anything.

But to give an update anyway.

Last month, my job reopened our dining rooms for our residents. It’s was nice to attempt it but unfortunately it happened at a time when cases in my area were rising so it was a potential for a shutdown at some point going forward.

The good news is we made it a month before having to shutdown.

The bad news is we had to shut down because we are in the midst of our very first outbreak. It’s on the low side for being a retirement home but it’s still not fun either way.

I’m just glad we had a plan in place for if and when this time came.

Thankfully it hasn’t affected much for my mentality going through this. I’m just hoping that all these residents make it through this.

But I do want to warm everyone though that this is something to not take lightly. Especially with the holidays coming up.

Hopefully all of you are staying safe and things get better for everyone!

Strangeness occurs

It seems weird lately to think about, but I seem to have hit a wall of wanting to talk to people but not knowing how to do so anymore.

I feel out of place in having some friends that I can talk to but then at the same time having friends I want to talk to but don’t know what to say.

It’s been a rough patch that I haven’t hit in a long time and it’s hard to know what to do.

How does one make an effort where it never used to be a problem or hasn’t been for a while?

What do I even begin to say without seeming like I’m trying to force a conversation with someone?

Am I overthinking the friendships and making an effort where it isn’t necessary? Or do people really care but forget to know I exist just as much as I tend to not keep in touch?

I know I have a lot going on in my head that I know makes it hard for me to remember to get ahold of people. But when I remember, it’s almost like I’m grasping at straws to even try to figure out what to even say before saying it.

I could be wrong in saying it’s only me in this circumstance but with the way this year has been, I truly feel millions out there are dealing with this same situation.

I know from past therapy sessions, I have been told to just try and make an effort, which I know isn’t the problem. I just wish I knew the words to form to make a conversation last more than like 5 minutes.

If anyone has gone through hitting this type of brick wall, please let me know what’s helped you get through it.

Anywho, I hope everyone in America had a good Halloween. I was at work so I neve fully got to enjoy it, but it was still a decent day and I can’t complain.

Hope everyone has a great rest of your week!

It’s been a month

A month like this hasn’t happened in a long time. One where things you wouldn’t have expected to hear have happened and it’s hard to process.

A month where it’s seems like it’s more downs then ups and as soon as your going up, something hits you hard.

At the beginning of the month, we had found out that a neighbor of ours we had gotten to know years ago, had passed unexpectedly in his sleep. It was such a shock to our family to hear that, but I’m very much glad they are no longer in pain and he is with his wife again.

Over the weekend, I had found our an uncle on my mom’s side had passed last week and that was even more of a shock. I wasn’t expecting that at all whatsoever.

And this is where my emotional delay from autism kicks in.

Because our family hadn’t been aware of the situation my uncle had dealt with, like I had said, it was a shock. For me, it’s even more so because I wasn’t there to process all of it.

Until today while I was working, I couldn’t process the fact that it happened. Early this afternoon was when it hit.

This is the part of death that can be hard for autistics to deal with. The aftermath of something that happens and the delay of how and when it affects them.

This afternoon could be just a mild form of it starting and it may not hit me until a couple weeks from now or even longer.

I haven’t looked up why this is, and if I remember correctly I might have done research on this after my grandma passed, and there hadn’t been much research at this point.

To me, it could be something as simple as death takes autistics longer to process if they aren’t there to witness the changes happen. A sudden death can be a lot harder to understand and comprehend.

I could be far off, but based off my experience it seems like a logical reason behind a delay in an emotional reaction.

As far as work goes, it’s been decent. Could definitely be better and has definitely been worse but at this point I just show up and do what I can.

Hope everyone else is doing good and having a good month

Learning from the humans with disabilities

So as I was watching a video from a church service, the pastor had talked about a young boy with downs syndrome from his home country who was able to unintentionally bring someone to the life of Christ.

It actually got me thinking, is it possible to learn something from people with disabilities, even if it’s not religion related, and have it come out as a positive?

I know for me, there are a handful of people I’ve worked with who have some sort of disability that make me realize how truly incredible they are and how much they can accomplish even if they are limited in certain areas.

And some of the ones I play hockey with, I can’t help but sit back and laugh because they see the world not only as a child but as one who has a different brain function than most. And seeing the world in their way is quite entertaining because all they know is just being content.

But as far as some others I’ve met, growing up as a disabled person can be challenging for them. Not because they can’t handle it, but their functionality is wired differently than others. And even then, watching how they react to things can be entertaining because they just know that having a good time is all they care about.

But for me, I sometimes don’t know where I fit in those categories. I sometimes feel like I fit in the I want to have fun and good times. Others I feel I fit in the content category. But sometimes I don’t feel like I’m meant to fit in a category and I just got wherever I’m meant to be.

But it makes me wonder what those who know me feel like I’m able to provide them as a person with a disability.

Am I doing more than what I feel? Or am I just enough the way I am?

I know there are people that have said that I do provide inspiration for them, and I am very fortunate to be able to do so. And at this point, I’m just here to do whatever it is I’m meant to be here for, even if it’s to show those with other types of disabilities that anything is possible.

As long as I am able to keep doing these posts, I can find ways to show people what can happen in his or her time frame. I can honestly say, over the 30 years I’ve been here, I wasn’t always this ways. I definitely went through a phase that wasn’t easy. For anyone. And I know I don’t want that side back.

But I do know things can and will get better for anyone despite our flaws.

“Food” for thought

So for the last couple weeks, I decided to do this thing that a little different. On Sunday mornings, I watch my normal church service, then Sunday and Monday nights, I watch a different church service. Well technically it’s two different services but from the same church that isn’t the one I attend.

I started doing this to get an idea of how to help myself spiritually in a way of trying to figure things out for myself on a different level.

Well, since I started doing this, each service has had something that I could relate too. All of them being about some sort of battle that can be overcome in some way.

I can’t remember details of each one specifically, but each sermon had to do with that type of talk. And tonight as I was watching one about battles, the question asked by the pastor was what one thing can you come up with to see what your battle is to overcome and how to take care of that.

Well to answer that, for me it’s definitely mental health. Not everyone deals with that, but I know a lot of people relate. I know I also deal with autism too, but it’s not that bad compared to things like anxiety that hit like a brick wall unexpectedly.

Some people who don’t experience mental health don’t truly understand how badly it can affect a person. I’ve heard so many people say to others struggling, “it’s all in your head,” “your just overthinking it,” “everyone has a little anxiety,” “there’s no reason to be sad, people have it worse thant you.”

Well, here’s one thing I know, it’s more than just a chemical imbalance in the brain. It’s a physical problem as well.

But that’s not the road I want to take. I want to take the road of, we are able to overcome every adversity we all deal with that happens in our heads. It can’t fully be ridden out of our lives, as that is basically impossible for those who deal with it. But there are ways to be able to help ourselves get through day by day moments dealing with our issues.

Some take medication. I, myself, at one point or another been on it. I know many people who have been as well. Sometimes doing so can help and once you’ve come off it’s a bearable time in life for a while. Others don’t feel like medication is the way to go and just skate through life on cruise control. Others find religion mixed in with medication, or just religion. Others do therapy with or without meds.

But there are so many ways to handle how we deal with anxiety, depression, and whatever else it is each person handles each day.

All I know is that through figuring out that mental health is my battle, I need to find a way to become a warrior against my brain and fight back. It will take time, and a lot of trial and error, but maybe it will come sooner that I think. Or maybe I’m already a warrior without realization.